VibeReview Fantasy: The Iris

While my last VibeReview Fantasy was a whole-hearted endorsement, this week's toy review of the Iris is somewhat more subdued.

Now it has a number of really nice features. Unlike the Miracle Massager -- and this would be the only down side of the Miracle Massager and Attachment -- the Iris is made of phthalate-free silicone. As some of you may know, phthalate, a plasticizer, is a potential endocrine-disrupter (i.e. it fucks with your hormones and sex organs), and as someone with an endocrine system that doesn't work well already, it's nice to know that whatever I'm sticking into my cunt (or elsewhere) isn't going to make it glow.

It is also rechargeable, so no bothering with batteries (and my Iris was even charged right out of the package). It comes in an inconspicuous black box, so no one would guess that you're carrying something naughty in it. Lastly it also comes with a fancy black satin drawstring bag, so you can stick it in your suitcase or nightstand drawer in a most classy fashion.

As you can see from the picture, this is a toy primarily for vaginal penetration and in particular, G-spot titillation. After playing with the various settings, I popped it in and tried those settings out in my cunt. There are four types of vibrations: the crown, the base, intervals, and a combination of the crown and the base. To be honest, I found it difficult to change settings while it was in there. I would be trying to push down on the settings to change the vibrations but kept turning it off. Very frustrating. Then again, I never have managed to get the hang of texting on my (seldom used) cell phone.

I can't say the Iris did much for me, but then I'm realizing vaginal/G-spot stimulation doesn't do as much for me as it does for others. However there was one place I thought those pulsating vibrations just might feel pretty nice. Yes, you guessed it -- my ass (there's a reason A.'s first nickname for me was "Assgirl"). After covering the shaft with a condom to keep it clean, I lubed up (you'll have to read the fantasy to see what I used as lube) and slid it into my bummy hole. And yes, those pulsating vibrations felt very nice indeed, especially when I added my wankin' spankin' tool. I've only managed to come once from anal stimulation exclusively (ginger root and a paddle) and if used the Iris, my special lube, and the wankin' spankin' tool on the right night, I might be able to make that two.

But unless you're really into vaginal/G-spot stimulation, this toy just felt about $50 overpriced. It is a nice, quality toy, no question about it. Yet, the phthalate-free material and pulsating vibrations aside, call me a sex toy Neanderthal but it doesn't feel all that much different than my $15 vibrating dildo (which is pretty similar to The Freshman).

So how do I fantasize about this toy? Well...

I'd be a school girl in a very harsh boarding school. The buxom school matron comes into my room before I get ready for bed and tells me I'm to come with her to the headmaster's office. Grabbing me by the ear, she marches me down the corridors. Taps on the door and opens it after hearing an austere "Come in."

The headmaster is sitting at his large oak desk looking as grave and serious as a headmaster could ever look. Matron continues pulling my ear as we stand in front of that desk.

"Young lady, it has come to my attention that a certain lewd story was found in your desk." He opens a file folder, pulls out a couple of college-ruled pages defaced with blue ink and holds them up. "Did you write this?"

I gasp. I thought that I had carefully hidden it in my math book...How?...Why?...Oh, God...He read it.

I swallow hard before answering.

"Yes, Sir," barely audible before hanging my head.

"Right then. Remove your skirt and knickers and bend over the desk, please." The headmaster stands and walks over to a cupboard while I begin to unzip my skirt. As I lay it over a chair, I notice him pulling out a cane. I shiver as the cotton crotch of my knickers slide away from my cunt and down my legs. Is it because of the nighttime cold or the sounds of the cane slicing through the air as he practices his swing?

I assume my position over the desk, my breasts resting at the bottom of the file folder holding the "lewd story". Matron pulls what is left of my white blouse covering my bottom up and onto my back, then walks to the other side of the desk and holds my arms down. I purse my lips and stare at the blue button at the base of her belly in front of me, distracted for a moment when I notice a bulge in her right pocket.

"I must say, young lady," the headmaster begins, "that I have never in all my career been so disgusted by a piece of student creative writing. Not only does it contain fornication and all kinds of disgraceful acts of a sexual nature, but there is sodomy with items that should never enter a person."

I feel him align the cane with my cheeks as my face reddens from the lecture. The rattan feels smooth...for the moment.

"Tonight I intend to do my utmost to banish such shameful thoughts from your mind. I will begin with six strokes of the cane. Count them, please."

"Yes, Sir," I affirm meekly.

Did he say begin?

The first stroke comes down with full force and my mind is focused completely on the searing pain at the base of my ass. I can't help but try and tuck my pelvis in. I let out a cry and an anguished one.

My right leg comes up with the second stroke. After another wail, I spit out a two in between whimpers.

"Feet on the floor, please."

Tears and nausea accompany the third and fourth strokes. I manage to keep my feet on the floor by digging my knees into the front of the desk. Just two more to go, I tell myself. My eyes shut tight with the fifth stoke and my breathing mingles among sobs. Somehow between my queasy stomach and the awful, awful pain of six raw, angry stripes on my backside, I squeak out that finally six among my blubbering.

"Matron, please hand me the ointment you brought with you."

She releases my hands and reaches into her pocket. I lift my head up as she brings out a small container with "Cayenne Heat" on the label.

"Face down, please," the headmaster says. "Matron, please spread her cheeks."

Matron's large hands take hold of my battered cheeks, spreading them so far apart it almost hurts. I gasp and am still in shock as I feel my headmaster's finger laying a large glob of ointment on my anus. Within seconds I begin to feel the burn. The deep, seething, smoldering burn on my most intimate tissue. Buried beneath the bent-over Matron, all I can do is whimper.

"Since you like to write about having things placed in your anus, I shall indulge you."

I hear some buzzing. A couple of fingers find their way into my bummy hole. Suddenly the hard silicone shaft of the Iris is pushed inside me, radiating it's pulsations throughout my hole.

"Matron, please hold the Iris in place as I finish this young lady's punishment."

My eyes go from shut to wide in an instant. How could there possibly be more?

"To drive home my disgust of your prurient mind, I'm going to give you another twelve stokes with this tawse while the Iris makes it clear inside and out that deviant behavior such as yours will not be tolerated. You will, of course, count the strokes, please."

It all just seems too much. The buzzing and burning of my anus. The supple leather cutting into what had already been cut. The humiliation of my exposure. Of being spread and probed and entered. So many senses overloaded and spilling out into a puddle of agony and woe on the file folder beneath my face. Yet Matron's broadcloth-covered bust muffles my cries. At stroke seven the headmaster has to ask me to speak up. And I do, howling out my pain with the numbers.

When it is over, I'm allowed to dress and dismissed with yet another stern admonition to bridle my wild, carnal mind.

Of course, tonight's events have simply titillated my depraved imagination all the more...

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Watching Barack Obama's speech reminds me that VibeReview is offering a 10% Obama coupon on all sex toys through the election.