Tuesday, June 13, 2006

A big kink in my kink

Thanks for all the well-wishes and good thoughts. They were very sweet and I appreciate them a lot.

Physically I'm doing okay. Worn out, but okay. My oxygen level never went below a hundred percent and once they figured out what was wrong (and it took them awhile), they were able to start anti-coagulation therapy in addition to the narcotics and release me from the hospital the very next day. In that respect, I did very well. Most people with pulmonary emboli in both lungs stay in the hospital for awhile.

A. arrived last week and he's been taking good care of me. Giving me lots of big cuddles. Doing laundry (the county cut funding for my caregiver just a couple of weeks before all this happened so there's a backlog of housework). Cooking meals with a bit more flavor and nutritional variety than my normal Meals on Wheels. Feeling uncomfortable as I keep trying to initiate sex or spanking.

Technically there's no problem with having sex while on anti-coagulation therapy. I even explicitly asked my GP to reassure A. Then, of course, when we did try to have sex the other day, I had some weird blood pressure fluctuation which made me have to stop before either of us got very far. But that should change with time.

Spanking, however, is an entirely different matter.

Anti-coagulation therapy means that I'm taking medication to lengthen the amount of time my blood takes to clot. That time is measured by something called an INR and the goal is to have my INR between 2 and 3. The higher the INR, the longer it takes for me to clot, hence the higher the risk of uncontrolled bleeding. The lower the INR, of course, the less time it takes to clot and the more likely I am to have a clot that doesn't dissolve like it should.

Being on a medication which could potentially cause uncontrolled bleeding means that I have to be very careful about a number of issues including obvious things like shaving or bruising, but also what I eat (warfarin interacts with 186 different drugs and foods -- though that works both ways). And scarier still, I have a history of bleeding on this stuff. Seven years ago I had surgery on my right ankle and knee and developed clots in my leg and lungs. When they put me on anti-coagulants at that time, my knee joint hemorrhaged when my INR was 3.5 to the point where the paramedic said it looked like I had a soccer ball on top of my knee. I was post-operative then and therefore was at higher risk for bleeding. This time I seem to be managing the warfarin better. I survived an INR of 4.8 last week without any major incident.

As you can imagine, all this presents a major kink in my spanking kink. Light spanking is okay. But I have to be very careful about bruising. Not only will I bruise easier than normal, but those bruises could turn into hematomas or worse, not stop bleeding. At the moment I've got little hematomas on my belly from the heparin (Lovenox) shots I had to give myself when I first got out of the hospital. It, uh, took me a few jabs to remember how to do it. And I have to say, having them on my ass would suck suck suck.

So, you know, hairbrushes and paddles are out. Canes and riding crops are too. And obviously anything that would draw blood is out. I'm thinking that once my INR stabilizes, we can try a belt and the scrap strap. I also have a light 24-inch ruler that would probably be okay.

How long will I have to do this you ask? That's a good question. The absolute minimum is six months. However, the doctor in the hospital, my nurse doing my anti-coagulation therapy, my GP, the nurse-practioner at the anti-coagulation clinic where I had a brief consult -- they've all been preparing me that the rule is generally two PEs and it's lifetime anti-coagulation.

Yeah.

It's not a definite life-time sentence yet because we don't know why I got the PEs this time. The uro-gynecologist is going to do a second cystoscopy to rule out again that there isn't anything in my bladder that could have caused it. I'm also being sent to a hematologist to see if I have some sort of blood disorder that caused it.

But I'll be honest with you all; I'm really scared. My spanking kink as I know it is in serious danger. It seems so trivial compared to, you know, blood clots in my lungs. And trust me, I'm so very grateful for life and for whoever that radiologist was who took a second look at my CT scan and found the PE. I know that had he or she missed it, I might very well not be here blogging about losing spanking. And, well, it's not like all spanking is out.

Yet I know now that I was wrong last December when I said that I've never really felt that loss of control during spanking. I know now that's a huge part of it. Him deciding when to spank me. What to use. How long it will be. How hard it will be. That feeling that I can't take anymore spanks but having no choice. Now I have to be completely in charge. I have say if it's okay to spank me. I have to tell him if it's too hard. What implement is appropriate or not. And it will never be hard enough to really hurt, even if it might scratch that itch a bit.

It's like telling a vanilla person they might never be able to have sex again. Just a bit of masturbation and fingering.

Yes, there are other things. Bondage. Figging. Enemas. Writing lines. Standing in the corner. The herbs that flavor the soup (either in fantasy or in reality). A soup of just herbs, however, doesn't really taste all that good, nor does it really fill you up.

I dunno. It's just...it's hard.

Yesterday my INR was 1.2. Not very good for preventing clots, but made for safer spanking. So I poked A. a few times as we cuddled in bed. Intentionally bumped him while he played pinball on the laptop in bed. The poor dear. I keep trying to brat him when all he wants to do is cuddle and caress me. He finally gave me a few swats as he groped my ass. After I suggested a couple of times that it might work better if I were over his lap, he relented and pulled me over. Swatted me over my jammies. Then pulled those down and swatted my white cotton panties. Then pulled those down and swatted my bare bottom. Firm but restrained smacks that gave me a bit of a tingle. He ended with "six of the best" just because. The hypervigilant patient in me worried that maybe they were too hard. The rest of me wished so much that they could be so much harder.

14 comments:

Anonymous said...

Being ever the optimist here, I would enjoy your time with A, and hope that you won't need the meds forever!!!

I hear there is an electric flyswatter, that stings, but doesn't bruise!!! Not the same I know, but it may work!!

Cheeky Girl

Dyke Grrl said...

Well, the best part is that you didn't have to spend very long in the hospital, and that A is able to be there with you.

I'm sending my best good vibes your way in the hope that things will work out far better than you could wish, and that you'll be able to do the things you enjoy very soon.

Many good thoughts and wishes for you.

Alex Birch said...

Natty

As ever my thoughts are with you and I hope you soon get through this awful phase and get a patch of bright water , so to speak, Lord knows you deserve one.

I'm glad A is there to look after you at least for the time being and hopefully will see you over the worst of this.

fondest

Alex

Megs <<>> said...

Good luck! Can't think of anything much more helpful... Cheeky Girl's suggestion is a good one, those flyswatters are terrifying but obviously don't cause any damage. What about a light lexan paddle? Supposedly they can sting alot even if you're being hit really light... I got bruises from ours but my bf wasn't trying to hit lightly... it might be something to experament with at any rate. Do you have a kink-safe doc you could ask things like this?

Natty said...

Thanks, Cheeky Girl.

Yeah, I remember you talking about that electric flyswatter on the newsgroup and I was like NUH UH! LOL Actually, I have a lot of weird neuropathic issues/fasciculations that can be exacerbated by electrical stimulation (it's sorta like having my own built-in TENS unit). Most of the time TENS or electrical stim acupuncture is okay or even helpful, but sometimes it makes me buzz in weird and annoying ways and my anti-seizure med for it only partially helps. So, you know, just not going to go down that road...

But we are thinking about nettles... ;)

Natty said...

Thanks, dyke grrl!

Natty said...

Thanks, Alex.

As I think we've talked about before on the newsgroup, A. is a City fan, so he's had lots of practice at hanging in there for what seems like forever. ;) LOL

Natty said...

Thanks, megs!

Not sure about a lexan paddle. I'm kind of wary of anything paddle-wise because the potential for bleeding is too great. But, I've never actually held/seen in person a lexan paddle, so dunno. I do have a very light ruler that can give a lot of sting. And as I said to Cheeky Girl, nettles are on the list. ;)

Anonymous said...

oh yes nettles.. I just read something about those! Sounds rather wicked, in a good way of course!

hmmm, I am going to do some research, cause what I am thinking is those really nasty toys, if used lightly can pack a great deal of sting without the fear of bruising... hmmmm something to look into!! And I do lovvvveee research!!

Cheek Girl

Natty said...

oh yes nettles.. I just read something about those!

Tarte at Saucybaggage recently had a delightful post about nettles. :)

Yeah, I've been wondering about nasty stingy toys. I was kinda thinking somebody on the newsgroup would have had some idea/experience -- I mean, you'd think Janet Hardy would have had some great idea being the expert she is and all! That and it seems like SOMEBODY would have some experience with anti-coagulants as they are such a common drug. Sigh.

I've done some research on spanking and blood thinners and did come across one post on a spanking forum a few years ago of someone who did get paddled while on them. But couldn't really tell how hard the spanking was, what happened afterwards, etc. May try and see if I can email that person.

But do let me know what you come across. I'm total open to ideas. :)

Anonymous said...

One thing I thought of so far was rubber. A small peice of rubber, maybe shaped like a ruler. It can sting pretty intense and didn't leave a mark, with a light stroke I think that may work!

I am also thinking sports cream first may help, but I am not sure, because I think it brings the blood to the surface, so need to look into that one. If it is safe to use, it should make even a light hand spanking feel more intense.

Also, wet bottoms right out of the shower are more sensative!

We need to think outside the box here!!! My favorite place!

Cheeky Girl

Michelle said...

If the rubber is light enough, it might. I think the big problem I'm going to face is that I have a pretty high pain threshold at this point when it comes to spanking -- though that might work in my favor when it comes to bruising because my skin is used to it. ;)

Sports cream -- I use an organic version of Icy/Hot on my, er, private spots (back and front). It's very arousing. LOL But A. complains that it's not much of punishment because I like it. Same with ginger root. :D I have been thinking of oil/cream in general on my bum. But as you point out, the concern there is how that affects my blood vessels, i.e. will they bleed more easily then, etc.

I've been thinking about asking the doctor about the effect of cold water on my blood vessels (I know it makes them constrict but not sure if that would be really bad) as being spanked on a cold ass hurts more. When I asked my GP (nurse practioner) about using heat for the hematomas on my belly she was like, "well, that should be okay just don't do anything significantly different." Which, well, wasn't very specific, ya know?

A spanko friend who has a spanko physician brother asked his thoughts on the matter and basically he just confirmed what I thought: nothing that could bruise or cut the skin but light spanking should be okay. And because everyone is different, it's something A. and I are just going to have to experiment with.

I'm ready to experiment now, but A. still feels uncomfortable because it's so close to the event. And well, my INR is still fairly unstable (though it's been low this week so I'm all, Let's Play! -- LOL). As it stabilizes in the next month or so (fingers crossed!) we'll push the envelope a little -- just a little -- and see what happens. I mean, a little bruising is okay. Hell, I've got bruises from all the blood draws and even the damn blood pressure cuff and those are acting like normal bruises.

Tarte said...

Oh, Natty, this is all so confusing! What a crap-shoot. I too can think of creams that increase the blood flow so your bum would be more sensitive (I'm thinking of an Arnica with peppermint combo), but then the risk of bleeding on impact would be higher, wouldn't it? Yes, rubber is super stingy, but do keep it light-weight. A birch is light with cumulative "burn," but you don't want to scratch the surface.

What would happen if your INR were on the high side and you accidentally broke the skin? could you go to the ER and get an anti-coagulant booster?

Re. nettles, you'll get the [delicious] burn, but what's that without impact? Also, the [albeit-minute-amount-of] toxin acts on the nerves. If you have neuropathic issues already,... hmmmmm.... ???

Take care. I look forward to reading about your experimentation and hope that you two will find lots of fun in the process. xox

Natty said...

Oh, Natty, this is all so confusing! What a crap-shoot.

Isn't it just? And when you add the fact that the consequences can be really scary, well, it's scary. And very frustrating.

I'm thinking of an Arnica with peppermint combo

I just found out yesterday when they checked my blood that Arnica affects my INR! EEK!

What would happen if your INR were on the high side and you accidentally broke the skin? could you go to the ER and get an anti-coagulant booster?

Yes, they could give me a shot of Vitamin K, which is what the Warafin acts against (aka Vit. K antagonist). If I were bleeding that much that I would need to go to the ER, I suspect they'd be giving me a lot more than just a Vitamin K shot.

The problem that is more likely -- indeed, it happened to me seven years ago when I was on anti-coagulants -- is internal bleeding. Before it was in my knee joint. When the bleeding finally stopped and eventually dispersed, there was no lasting damage to my knee. But with spanking we're talking about some very sensitive areas: the rectum, the base of the spine. Now that I've survived an INR of 4.8, I'm not as scared as I was three weeks ago. But, yeah it's still a concern.

but what's that without impact?

Exactly! Gawd what I wouldn't give for a good caning right now...

Also, the [albeit-minute-amount-of] toxin acts on the nerves. If you have neuropathic issues already,... hmmmmm.... ???

Sigh...yeah. I have wondered about that. Plus my skin is so damn sensitive. Once everything settles down a bit I'm supposed to go see a dermatologist about the damn eczema on my face and scalp that driving me crazy. ::rolling my eyes::

Well, I haven't figured out where to get nettles yet anyway. ;)

Take care. I look forward to reading about your experimentation and hope that you two will find lots of fun in the process. xox

See above post. In addition there's been a bit more buggery about to compensate. Sorta.