When backdoor luvin' goes bad...very bad

Okay, so in my return post I mentioned that I had a bad relapse of my illness because of kink-related activities, and that it occurred in a most mortifying way. Indeed, I've been dragging my feet and debating about whether to post about it at all, and, if so, how to do it in a way that would not be too TMIish ("Too Much Information" in abbreviated slang). Yeah, it was really that bad.

I think in the end I felt that, while I don't feel obligated to share everything about my kink life, I also felt like I wanted people to know that things do go wrong sometimes. People often read spanking blogs as a way to live out their spanking fantasies vicariously (hell, I know I do!). Yet fantasy and reality can collide in very ugly ways, and this was definitely a case of the two smashing into each other in grotesque fashion.

[...]



Right, so I had a day at the end of February where I was actually feeling pretty well. And as I'm apt to do when I feel well, I started cleaning. A lot. Then I went off to the acupuncturist/massage therapist and came home feeling even better. Which then prompted me to clean even more. And bake and cook. And by the time I finally laid down to rest late that afternoon, I had that awful heavy feeling that made me realize oh shit! I soooo overdid it! (Now you understand A.'s vigilance in this post at the Punishment Book. However, he was sleeping after working all night and therefore unable to provide what was clearly some much needed supervision.)

A while later or so A. and I started cuddling and one thing led to another, and I started getting aroused despite feeling what I knew was just the beginning of what would soon be crushing exhaustion. When he flipped me over onto my belly and reached for a condom, I knew I should have said no. And when he kept going and going to the point where I thought I couldn't possibly go on anymore, I should have had him stop. But I liked the idea that I didn't have any say so in the matter. So, he kept going on -- longer than he ever has.

When we finished, I finally did take a nap (sans climax as I didn't have the energy for it by that point) and when I woke up I had a little piece of the quiche I'd made from scratch that afternoon. A half an hour later I was rushing to the bathroom with an awful tummy ache that left me in there for quite awhile. But that ended up being the most I did in there for a week. Here and there when something did come, there was usually blood along with it. Not uncommon after anal sex, but when I was still having it a week later, I decided it was time to visit my GP. Which meant explaining what I was doing directly prior to my gastro-intestinal discomfort.

Ugh.

I kept telling myself that, you know, for gay males this is the primary means of intercourse and to just walk in there act as if anal sex is a completely normal, natural thing. I mean, it's the county health department, for gawd's sake. I can't possibly be the only heterosexual woman they've seen who has had a complication from backdoor luvin'.

So I went. And put on as business-like a demeanor as I could. Though I cringed every time my doctor referred to it as "rectal sex." After an examination the doctor decided that the stool had become impacted in my colon during sex. All I could think of on the way home was that pejorative term guys in my high school used to use for male homosexual sex.

When I got home I related the diagnosis to A., who, despite having been horrified about how awful I had felt that week, was rather proud to hear what he and his giant penis had accomplished.

"Yeah, well you'll think it's cool when you have to go to Safeway and buy me an enema!" I snapped backed. Cool indeed.

Now some of you faithful readers of this here blog may know that I have on occasion fantasized about getting an enema. And I'd be lying if I said that there was not even one little part of me that wasn't sort of excited at the thought. But the other 99% was absolutely and utterly mortified. And despite the fact that A. has taken in the view of me on the bed with my ass in the air a gazillion times, I found myself horribly self-conscious as he administered the prescribed enema. Which somehow made it more arousing. Which then made me more embarrassed. Which then...well, I think you get the idea. I suspect there will be more enemas in my future as they will most likely accompany any further buggery in an effort to avoid going through this again. You know, when I'm no longer quite so traumatized by the whole thing and finally feel up to a bit of buggery.

The whole affair ended up making me even sicker than the cold did. At times I could barely even sit up in bed and spent the first day or so just crying softly because I felt so dreadful. I'm not sure how to describe it. I always describe having ME/CFS as feeling like you have the flu. You just feel icky all over. But this was icky to the tenth degree. Icky and then being run over by a truck and then being trampled on by a pack of horses. Why this made me so damn sick is anyone's guess. The severity of my symptoms was far and away out of proportion to how much I overdid it activity-wise, as well as to the actual affliction -- constipation. I have a theory or two about why, but it's pure speculation on my part (as so much often is with this disease).

A week or so later when I started to feel a bit better, we tried playing around a little. A. used the strap because normally I like it, and compared to some other implements, it's fairly light. But, alas, it was a bit too soon. For the first time ever I started crying while I was getting spanked -- in fact, after only three strokes! I yelled out "Wait! Wait! Stop!" and he immediately dropped the strap and pulled me to himself (yeah, we probably do need to work on a formal safeword). "Here we go, big cuddle," he said as I cried into his chest. While the spanking, or rather, the return of the icky feeling and inability to handle an increase in sensation was horrible, I loved crying into his chest like that. It's the way I always fantasize about spankings ending. But I have to say, what it took to get me like that was far too high a price.

My Marks

Last spring, before Tarte had to take an apparent hiatus from blogging, I made some comment on one of her posts about finding that there is a dommey side to me but that it has usually expressed itself outside the bedroom. At the time she wanted me to expand on that but I think illness and other activities got in the way and I never quite got back to it.

At the time I had just taken over the moderator position of a (non-kink) online group and my job was basically to crack the whip with certain members and maintain order for the good of everyone else. What I found surprising was how much I enjoyed it. I liked creating order. I liked politely but firmly enforcing the boundaries.

In the past, teaching was the normal outlet for my toppish side. Students sometimes whined that I was hard, but they always agreed that I was just. Indeed, they really would describe me with that phrase that seems so cliched to us in the spanking world -- "tough, but fair." But, of course, I'm no longer teaching and, in fact, spend a great deal of my life now in a sort of subordinate position as a patient. Not only do doctors and nurses tell you what to do, but everybody else always seems to jump in and tell you what to do as well -- what to eat, what to take, even what to think. And, well, what can I say? It gets a bit old after awhile.

Now, on at least one occasion I've mentioned that A. gets into a sort of subby mood at times and the more we switch, the more I'm finding that there is definitely a domme inside of me. Granted it's taken some coaxing from A. on occasion to bring her out, mostly involving threats of punishment and administering of said punishment when I've failed to be brutal enough. But my as-yet-unnamed top is floating around somewhere inside of me along with Natty, though sometimes she might be more of a sort of spoiled, cruel version of Natty.

So one night in February A. was in one of his rare subby/masochistic moods and asked if I was up to topping. Often the problem is more a physical one as it takes a lot of energy to thrash someone, but that night I felt like giving it a go. However, as I always end up on the business end of the cane later on for not hitting him hard enough, I decided he was going to get it good this time. Believe it or not, I'd even practiced with the cane a little bit during his last time away.

And, I'm pleased to say, it showed. Yep, this time I whipped his ass good. Lemme tell ya, I was in real top mode too. I relished each wince, each cry, each flinch. And when the loopy toy made these brilliant purple loops on his pasty limey legs, I couldn't help but think of a line from Paul's (Pablo) beautiful essay regarding topping about appreciating the "warm body beside us carrying marks that we've put on its skin." For the first time I was so proud of the marks I'd made. My marks. Different somewhat from the way that Paul was talking about because what we were doing had nothing at all to do with discipline or punishment. For me it was more like visible marks of both domination and adoration. That and, well, they just looked wicked cool. ;)

Oh, and this time I finally avoided a beating afterwards. ::grin::

So, go figure. While I don't see myself wearing stiletto heels anytime soon (or ever given my weak ankles and horrible lack of balance), I am finding myself a bit more comfortable on the other side of the cane enjoying the weals I put on the warm body next to me.

Kama Sutra Spanking

Though it was awhile ago, I thought I'd share highlights from Valentines Day as I wasn't able to at the time. They included some ridiculously over-priced chocolates in a velvet heart-shaped box (cliched, I know, but something I've always wanted but had never actually got), a delicious salmon and pesto dinner, Erasure (at my request -- what can I say? I had a hankerin') and a very nice Two-Buck Chuck chardonnay (which is actually three bucks here). It was one of those wonderful evenings that is now in my happy memories box -- a sort of mental toolbox from which I draw during times of breakthrough pain or ickiness to distract me and contains things like funny scenes from the Simpsons, or cute things my brother, nieces and nephew have done, one of the first times A. and I made love, etc.

But warm and fuzzy aside, our Valentine's Day evening, of course, included some after-dinner luvin. Being the sick perverts that we are, luvin involved beating and buggery and I'd recovered enough from the last time to engage in such sick and lewd acts again. In fact, I think we invented a new spanking position -- at least, I don't believe it's in Ecstagony's list of spanking positions which I'd always assumed was fairly exhaustive.

So what was this innovative position? Well, it involved A. and I on our knees on the bed facing each other. His, um...member was pushed through the bottom of my bra and up between my breasts while I then sort of twisted around his right side -- my left -- so that my bottom was in perfect position for him to rain down as many blows as he would were I over his knee. It felt so very Kama Sutra.

I dunno. There's probably somebody or maybe even many bodies who have done this. But it was new to us.

Stay tuned...there are more highlights to come, most likely tomorrow night. :-)

The first highlight from my blogging sabbatical

When the hell is that girl going to finally post something already?

Yep, I know you've been thinking it. Hell, I've been thinking it. Each week I'd think that at some point during the coming seven days I should finally feel well enough to post about our recent spanking-related activities. And then those seven days passed, and I moved onto another hopeful but post-less seven days. Ultimately, I had only enough energy to either get spanked or blog. As you can see, I chose the former. Though the later wouldn't have been very interesting without the former.

Basically that cold really knocked me on my ass. I've had a handful of viral infections over the last few years since my ME/CFIDS became more debilitating but I've never had quite the level of post-viral exhaustion like I've had the last two months. At one point a month ago I was starting to feel a bit better, but then activities related to our "fundamental obsession" hurled me right back into bed with a vengeance and in a most mortifying way. But I'll get to that later.

I've been working on a single post highlighting our spanking play during the last two months of A.'s visit. Having started this on March 19th, I was expecting that it was going to get posted before he left last Tuesday on the 27th. But, well, five pages into it at this point, I've realized that putting it all in one post would be a bit unwieldy. And besides, now that A. is back in England, I also thought it'd be kinda nice to spread out the memories in a series of posts. In some ways the ten weeks he was here went faster than they ever have because he was working a lot and I was so sick so much of the time. Yet somehow, we also ended up playing a lot more than we probably even did when he was here last summer.

At any rate, first, about that cold...

[...]



NyQuil Sex and the Return of the Endorphines

So A. and I got a really bad cold towards the end of January. For A. it was an annoying, lethargic two weeks with a cough that lingered longer. For me, along with the lingering cough, it was a week or so of glands so swollen one was pressing down on a nerve that shot pain through my right arm, and I kept feeling like I was breathing through a straw. After a few days of my herbal cough tea with slippery elm bark and licorice root not really making much of a dent in my sore throat, I asked A. if he could go to Safeway and get me some NyQuil. "It's gotta be green and WITH alcohol," I instructed as NyQuil is apparently not as well known in England.

Indeed, I was instructing and insisting on a lot over that week or so and after waiting on me pretty much hand and foot, A. started feeling the need to express his own demanding side. One night when my throat was feeling better thanks to an entire giant bottle of NyQuil, he smacked me on the backside.

"Your ass needs some attention," he stated as he started pulling out implements from the craft box under the bed.

I sat up in bed and gulped. And with good reason too. He was pulling out the strap, his belt, the flogger and loopy toy, the cane and the riding crop.

But lemme tell ya, the endorphines were sooo back! While I don't believe he used all of those implements (it was quite awhile ago now and my memory is fuzzy at this point), whatever he did use should have been enough to have me squealing and wishing it would end already. Except it felt like more of a warm up by the time he quit.

After the spanking, he started looking for the condoms.

"I'm getting fucked up the ass, aren't I?" I said, biting my lower lip.

"You are SO getting fucked up the ass." He grinned malevolently.

And, I tell you, dear reader, I did. Hard.

It was absolutely delicious.

"Mmm...I like NyQuil sex," I said in that dreamy sort of state that only a good orgasm can produce.

The next morning my spanking mojo was still hungry. Plus, I was in a bratty little girl mood, so A. awoke to find me in my little girl dress -- a cotton bubble-gum pink dress with blue flowers and a white collar. As you might imagine, within a few hours (I would never start bratting first thing in the morning -- that would just be too cruel!) I was bent over the bed getting the cane, and then the hairbrush, which I believe was its first appearance since the advent of blood thinners.

This was it. I was finally going to get it good. Except soon he had to stop because I was really starting to mark and could start bleeding too much. Indeed, the cane was already drawing blood. Not much but enough to say my spanking was over.

But I didn't wanna stop. I wanted it hard. I wanted it to be overwhelming. I wanted to be taken to my limit. And I was just so not anywhere near my limit.

I realize most people would be happy to have those endorphines. During spankings over the last several months I've wondered where the hell they had gone. Yet on the other hand, I liked the fact that we could reach my limit pretty quickly before a lot of bruising set in. However, methinks those days are over (with some exceptions...see forthcoming post).

Colds and mojo

A. asked me this afternoon which would I rather have: a bad cold but lot's of spanking mojo or no coughing/swollen glands but also no mojo. Sigh...it's a difficult one alright.

He and I caught the nasty cold/respiratory virus going around the Portland area last week and just about the time I think I'm getting over it, I'll feel like crap all over again. I have been (mostly) managing to keep up with the discussion regarding my recent post over at the Punishment Book. But that's been the edge of my energy stores.

However, despite all the phlegm and NyQuil, there's been some great spanking going on. And when I'm feeling better, I'll finally share it with you all.

I did it

In Dyke Grrl's (aka Jigsaw Analogy) latest post she talks about the impact child abuse has on her current spanking relationship with her partner and asks her readers about their own experiences talking about spanking in therapy.

I have to admit, I've been way too wussy to ever mention to a therapist that I'm into spanking. That is, until Friday.

As my old therapist is no longer working, I'm starting out with a new one. And I decided to take a tip from PB pal, Iris, in the comments section of the Dyke Grrl's post and state to my new therapist that I need to be able to discuss my sexual expression/orientation, which for me involves BDSM, without fear of judgment.

It turned out that the questionnaire I completed in the waiting room asked, among other things, if I was having problems with sex. I marked yes because being sick so much this last year (the primary reason I'm pursing therapy) has most certainly interfered with my sexuality.

When my new therapist asked me to elaborate on what the problems were, I ignored those voices inside screaming "obscure, obscure!" and stated clearly that all the pain and feeling shitty made it difficult for me to engage in my primary form of sexual expression, namely, BDSM. She smiled softly, wrote something down, and then asked me how long I had been into that. It was then my turn to smile and prattle on wistfully that I've been fantasizing about being spanked since I was a little kid. Again, she smiled softly, wrote something down and then turned to another topic. As the intake came to a close, she asked if I anything else to add, and I just reiterated my three main ground rules for us to have effective therapy, the last one being that I need to feel safe to discuss my sexuality, including BDSM, without fear of judgment. It was a deal.

I was so frank. So straightforward. And it was so easy. Well, at least so far. Ultimately Dyke Grrl's challenge was whether or not anybody had managed to discuss their DD arrangement with a therapist. And, well, I'll see in the weeks to come if I'm up to that challenge.

Bend me over like Beckham

My worries of last week were certainly for naught. My spanking mojo came back and then some. I mean, you'd think after going for four months without a proper spanking (not to mention the fact that the top of my right butt is in constant pain) I'd need to ease back into it. That my pain threshold would have dropped considerably. But oh no. It's like I can't get enough.

A. found himself opening my junk/tool drawer for apparently the first time yesterday. And he laid eyes on those defunct USB cords thinking the same thing I did. Before I knew it, he was fishing around the drawer for cords he could cut up (weed does funny things to him -- he'll become obsessed with a project to the complete disregard of anything else) and ended up with a flogger and a loopy toy.


As he made the toys, we discussed and derided the announcement of David Beckham's $250 million deal with the LA Galaxy (or rather, AEG and Addidas and, um, well, we still can't figure out how the whole thing is working out). Mused about whether the entire MLS was even worth $250 million. Tutted about how Beckham couldn't just retire with whatever (little) dignity he had left after his tearful press conference following England's dismal performance in the World Cup. Rather he was slinking off to America where, as one writer put it, he was "like an old dog looking for a quiet place to die." Except that the shallow world of Hollywood is hardly quiet, though is perhaps a suitable place for a pretty boy with little remaining football talent. Sure, in the short-term Beckham is supposed to make soccer the new "in" thing and raise its popularity in the US. In the long-term, however, the Beckham Rule may well bankrupt the MLS, a fate that befell its predecessor, the NASL.

It's funny because A. was wondering on Thursday if Beckham's move was even going to be reported on the news here in the US. Now he's not only annoyed that the omnipresent, nasally-voiced washout has followed him across the Pond, but will also, on top of it all, make a shit load of money.

Perhaps it was time to add Becks to the whipping girl list.

"I'm going to bend you over like Beckham and fuck you up the ass like Posh does to him," A teased. "I'm going to make you cry harder than a substituted overrated has-been who's just realized he's never going to win the World Cup."

Mmm yeah. That squirmy feeling was so back.

In the end we couldn't think of an appropriate physical punishment for Beckham (tying him up and making him read all the newspaper accounts about what a loser he is seemed far more apt). But we did have a flogger and loopy toy to test out, as well as a new ping pong paddle. It was time to take my pajama bottoms down and lay me on the bed with my nekkid ass well and truly exposed.

He began with a nice warm-up hand spanking (though damn is his hand hard!). Then he used the ping pong paddle. It definitely stung but wasn't as bad as I had it built up in my head it would be. The same can be said of the loopy toy. In fact, it had that same sensation as a belt has: it stung when it first hit my skin but instantly turned into a pleasurable sensation. The flogger, on the other hand, hurt like a mofo. The ends of it bit into my skin with the slightest stroke. Well, not literally. In fact, for someone on anti-coagulants, I remained remarkably unmarked.

You'd think I'd have had my fill at that point. But oh no. I then mentioned that I hadn't had the cane in some time, so there were some cane strokes involved. However, my ass was numb by that point so I didn't really feel much of that except for the odd stroke on my thigh. I also suggested the strap. "You're a little pain slut today," A. stated with a grin. I giggled and smiled and awaited the strap. It was heavier than I remembered it, but still had that nice sting. There was also a bit of the wooden spatula somewhere in there, but, you know, there are parts of this spanking (as with most spankings) that are rather a blur looking back on it.

Finally A. needed to take a smoke break. I put my PJ bottoms back up and climbed into bed to take a nap. Yet being the insatiable pain slut that I was, I still wanted more. I was also a bit, um, well, very...er...juicy and thought that attending to that might earn me yet another spanking. It didn't, but I did get some delightful assistance in attending to that when A. returned.

::wide, happy grin::

And I did finally manage to take my nap. You know. Eventually. ;)

Crook-handled canes are handy -- and not just for spanking!

I keep our cane in the bathroom as all the humidity is supposed to keep it nice and whippy. I meant to put it away once when my nieces were coming over, but while it's visible, it's not exactly out in the open hanging there on the back of a rung on the metal shelf over the toilet. Since inquisitive ten-year-old minds never noticed, I just left it there.

At any rate, tonight I'm in the bathtub getting ready to shave when I realize I forgot to get the conditioner that I use to shave with down from the shelf high up along the shower wall. Now, once I'm in the bath, I hate getting up unless I'm getting out (though that usually sucks too). So, what to do? Why grab my trusty crook-handled cane and use it to knock the conditioner down into the bath.

See? Very handy...

Warning: Neurotic dump ahead

I was cleaning up the cord mess from my latest offline debacle this afternoon and as I picked up my two defunct USB cords I thought that thought every spanko pervert thinks: wonder what it'd be like to get spanked with...? Except that instead of getting that delicious squirmy feeling and drifting off into fantasy land, there was nothing. Absolutely nothing.

A. is getting here tomorrow and it's like my mojo has disappeared again. ARRRRGHH! What the hell is wrong with me?

Is it that now that I'm definitely going to be getting spanked I suddenly don't want it? The last time he was coming I did end up in the hospital with bilateral pulmonary emboli, but that seems like something rather difficult to produce on a psycho-somatic level. And besides, once I got out of the hospital, I was the one who kept trying to initiate sex and spanking.

Is there something about January in which I go into some sort of vanilla period? I mean, I just assumed last January I lost my mojo because of all the urinary tract infections. Technically, I haven't had a laboratory-confirmed UTI since May, though there are flares of the sacro-iliac-pelvic pain off and on and constant low level pain since the first UTI in June 2004. But it's not like it's been any worse than it usually is. In fact, it's been ever so slightly better the last couple of weeks. I mean, I always do feel a tiny bit queasy about getting spanked when I can't even sit normally because my tailbone hurts like hell. But, ya know, it's not like that's ever stopped me most of the time. ::grin::

So, you know, wtf?!

I have to admit, I started panicking a bit this afternoon.

There has been that continuing ambivalence about my punishment kink. I've even written another "kink in my kink" post for the Punishment Book, but will post it a bit later after A. and I have some time to talk about it. So that's part of it.

And while my sacro-iliac-pelvic pain has been a tiny bit better, it's been a bad pain week otherwise. That sitting weird all the time is hard on my upper back/neck (especially as I'm, um, rather buxom) and I really wigged out one of my thoracic vertebrae, as well as endured that special time of the month. My body is sorta going through that no...no pain...no more pain!

At least, that's what I'm hoping.

When A. called me from Gatwick a little while ago, he made some squirmy threats. And ya know, I got that yummy squirmy feeling in my tummy.

So, you know, maybe it'll all be okay.

Yup. Of course it will.

Kinky gingerbread fun

Somehow I missed making it over to Jigsaw Analogy/Dyke Grrl's blog the last few weeks (actually, I've missed making it to a lot of blogs the last few weeks) where she has some kinky gingerbread baking fun. My personal favorite is the naughty school girl made of chocolate fondant.

That Dyke Grrl is quite the kinky Martha Stewart, whether it's making cookies or loopy toys. Well, you know, except she's actually nice.

Caned for...reading about the 1948 defenestration of Jan Masaryk in Prague?

So I was just getting caught up on reading my Robert Fisk, probably the single greatest English-speaking journalist writing about the Middle East, when I came to his article from earlier today. It began with this rather brutal anecdote.

When I was at school, I was once beaten by a prefect for reading a book on Czech history at a football match...back in 1960, screaming "Come on, Sutton!" at a bunch of grunting, muddied idiots in blue, black and white shirts was deemed more important than the 1948 defenestration of Jan Masaryk in Prague. A prefect later lashed me with a cane on the orders of a spectacularly cruel housemaster whose unwillingness to prevent the most vicious beatings almost equalled his love of soccer and rugby football.

Lordy, not only did you risk being unpopular at public school as a nerd, but apparently you also risked getting beaten!

Spanking fetish aside, I have to say I'm glad my rather strong nerdy tendencies in high school only cost me momentary embarrassement from time to time.

An advent of a different sort

Yesterday I was throwing away my now empty chocolate advent calendar, and as I'm now in a new advent of sorts -- A. comes in ten more days -- it occurred to me that I really need a new advent calendar. My dearest isn't exactly my savior/messiah. But he is more cuddly.

So, I was thinking of a calendar counting down to the day he arrives where each day I open a window revealing a picture of a different implement. And there are a fair number of past implements to chose from...

Granted, considering the dashed spanking expectations of the last few arrivals, we're not making too many plans this time, aside from my overdue birthday spanking (December 8). And, um, a few punishment spankings that merited being delivered in person (::gulp::).

One thing we are looking forward to is our belated Christmas dinner togther. You know, it will sorta be around the same time as Eastern Christmas. And I'm Byzantine Catholic so it'll be kinda like the old country (never mind that neither of us have ancestors from an "old country" that celebrates Christmas on the Julian calander). We've been discussing the menu for said dinner and have reached an impasse regarding the poultry: turkey or chicken.

"But we never get to eat turkey except once or twice a year," I whined.

"And clearly if it was so great, people would be eating it more," A. noted.

"Nuh huh..."

I decided to try a different approach.

"So, uh, if you let us eat turkey I'll let you spank me," I offered. A. laughed.

"Yes, that would be such a sacrifice for you."

I think I've got him talked into turkey, but I also think he's leaning toward my offer. His last words in our dinner discussion, I believe, were something along the lines of "You are going to get such a beating."

::giggle::

Cool.

Merry Spankin' Christmas

Not that Santa is keeping track, but I have been a bit naughty lately.

Last night I introduced my nieces (12 and 10) to "Mr. Hanky the Christmas Poo." It goes without saying that they loved it. And then I decided that it would probably be okay to show them an episode of South Park (the very first one -- "Cartman gets an anal probe"). Err... I just hope they didn't go home and ask their mom what a dildo is. Granted, they were going home rather hyped up on sugar. I fed them pumpkin pie for breakfast. And they ate caramels and cookies and other sugary stuff throughout last night and today. Though, they did eat some roasted pumpkin seeds (my favorite part of making pumpkin pie). That's sorta nutritious.

And A. kept telling me that I better not over do it, to which I would respond with silence and then attempt to change the subject. I do have a tendency to push myself at the holidays and then spend days in bed feeling really shitty afterwards. I think the fact that my nieces asked me a couple of times to come sit with them and relax probably means I was over doing it.

Damn.

I did that at Thanksgiving too. And spent several days barely able to take care of myself. Not only did A. tell me that he has plans to deliver my punishment for that in person, but even my caregiver scolded me.

But the Vitamin B-12 No Shot has been giving me more stamina and, well, it's Christmas.

::sweet angelic smile::

Eeek! It's 12:15 am!

Er...Merry Christmas all.

Cartoon memories of a spanko

News of Joseph Barbera's death today caused me to think of all the wonderful cartoons of his I've enjoyed through the years, Scooby-Doo probably being my favorite. But being the sick pervert that I am, I couldn't help but remember some of his delightful cartoons that mesmerized me as a budding, if not yet conscious, spanko.

There was Tom and Jerry, where every now and then Tom's owner would give him a sharp smack on his behind that would show up as a bright red hand print. Oh, how I longed for a bright red handprint on my backside!

But the one that I think really captured my imagination was The Flintstones, where there were a handful of spanking references here and there but one episode in particular that lived repeatedly in my mind: Ladies' Night at the Lodge. It's the one where Wilma and Betty dress up as men so that they can join the Water Buffalo Lodge. But, first they have to make it through the initiation. With lots of paddles. They get paddled over and over. And in the last scene they are at home, playing cards, standing up because their bottoms hurt too much to sit.

As you might imagine, I soooo wanted to join the Water Buffalo Lodge...

Surreal spanko dream land

I had the most bizarre dream last night. Well, yes, I know. Don't we all? ::grin::

After waking up from a dream about a sort of Israel-Palestine museum of understanding in the woods in which an Israeli friend and my Arab-American godfather were both present, and I was trying to keep a shelve of glass dishes from falling on me and breaking all over (gawd I really need to stop reading the Indy so much), I fell back asleep and dreamt I was in an office/apartment (also in the woods -- sorta like a treehouse but with an early 80s modern, autumnal toned interior) in which the cast members of Scrubs and Ally McBeal were mingling. And there was this one woman (who I don't recall belonging to either cast) who I really wanted to spank me.

At one point we were in a room or porch (it was open air but had sofas) alone together and she asked me to spank her. So I shrugged, nodded, and said, "okay." Then I paddled her ass. But she seemed very, very tall (in fact, I vaguely remember a basketball hoop above the couch). Now, granted, I'm only 5', so just about everybody seems tall to me. Yet, as she was bent over with her hands on the sofa, her large, white backside presented for me to spank, my head was just barely taller than her waist.

After paddling her for a bit, she finally told me to stop because she had to leave to go on a trip (also vaguely remember a plane taking off in the background) and she didn't want to be too sore to sit in the plane seat for a lengthy period of time. So, I stopped. And sat on the couch. And still wanted very much for her to spank me. I was contemplating bratting for it when she left.

I woke up this morning feeling profoundly disappointed.

Speaking of planes, A. is hoping to be here just after the first of the year. If you'd like to contribute to his ticket so you can read more posts about me getting spanked, feel free to click on the donation button in the left sidebar. For personal reasons, we have to use my mom's PayPal account, hence the crazy username/email addy.

Absolutely behaving

Don't ya hate it when people flirt with you in a spanko sort of way who you really don't want to?

Okay, yes I suppose this works on a non-spanko level too...

At any rate, yesterday I was taking the trash out when my neighbor popped his head out the door. Now, he always makes me rather uncomfortable. He called security on me once because I was supposedly making too much noise when I was simply sitting quietly in the kitchen. On the other hand, in person he's always very chatty with me -- chatting that usually includes bitching about other people being loud. On one of those occassions when he noticed I had a woman's clothing catalogue in my hand (junk mail is great, isn't it?), he asked if he could have it because he likes to look at them. He routinely has a box of beer cans in front of his door. And when I asked what his name was after he asked mine, he responded, "The Chief."

Um...yeah.

So I'm dragging my trash and recycling bags to the elevator when he asks, "whatchya you doing?"

"Oh, just taking the garbage out." I smile politely. And push the down button.

"You behaving yourself?"

Now, if this was my nurse asking this, she'd get a mischievous grin. When A. asks this question, I get that delicious, squirmy feeling in my belly and, er, down a little further. When The Chief asks me? Um, well, there's this uncomfortable tension in my sternum and a tad bit of disoriention.

"Yes." I smile abruptly. And push the down button again.

"Well, okay then." And he closes the door.

Feels sorta weird answering that question without the slightest bit of naughty intonation, ya know?

Beware of Saudi high school teachers with big sticks

This post over at the Spanking Writers brought back memories of my Saudi "brother" from college.

W. and I were meeting for lunch at the student union after my Arabic class one day, where my professor had explained to us that it is common in Arab culture when a man and a women have to be together alone at, say, a bus stop, for the man to put his hand over his heart and say "you are my sister" (anti 'ukhti). So, at lunch I decided to try out my new Arabic and met W. with anta akhi - you are my brother. He looked at me for a second and then said, "yes, Meechelle, you are my sister." And we called each other sweetie brother and sweetie sister from then on.

What does that have to do with Abel's post? Well, one night when I was supposed to be helping W. with his history class, I got him talking about school in Saudi Arabia where apparently discipline varies considerably from teacher to teacher.

One teacher he had didn't even really care if they showed up and, if I remember correctly, even let them smoke in class (this is the Arab World, after all, where chain smoking is not only not banned, but sort of expected).

Another teacher, however, would walk into the room and bark out, "whoever didn't finish his homework, stand up!"

"And you just did because he was going to know in about five minutes and it would be worse," W. said.

Then he'd call the first student up, who'd hold out his hand upon which the teacher would slam his big stick. And if the student pulled his hand back, the teacher would start beating his leg until he put his hand back out.

"You always hoped you'd be last so he'd be tired," said W. "I was lucky. My hand never broke."

Um, yeah. Like I said, it varied considerably.

Fragments

I came across a poem describing a feminist the other night when I was catching up on some blog reading that, with all the talk about feminism and BDSM over at the Punishment Book, felt so appropriate.

sometimes,
wrists red,
thighs spread or sewn
with purple tape to match
the next morning’s bruises.

Go check out the entire thing here.

My Appalled Feminist and Me

As I've alluded to at times here and over at the Punishment Book, I've been struggling a lot with my punishment fetish this last year. And I've spent a lot of time trying to figure out how to articulate the whole thing. Well, I've started to with this post at the PB today about how my Appalled Feminist and I have come to some sort of uneasy truce about the whole thing.

Story: Natty Gets a Nanny [F/F ]

Okay, how's this for eroticization of illness? ;)

I've been chipping away at this story for about a year now. Partly because of all the being sick and stuff. But also partly because I'll go through phases where I'll fantasize about enemas but then the phase will be over and the whole idea will really squick me.

It's also been funny to observe Natty and Nanny Bea in the story with the nanny sort of representing my adult self and Natty representing my, well, child-like Natty self. Needless to say, I have a lot of interesting arguments between the two. Lordy, no wonder I'm so sick...

At any rate, enjoy.

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Natty Gets a Nanny [F/F, spanking, thermometer, enema]


Natty's daddy decided that she needed a nanny.

Daddy was often out of town and Natty had a penchant for getting into mischief when left on her own. She was also rather sickly and needed help remembering to take her medicine and eat healthy meals and take a nap and not stay on the computer for too long and go to bed at her appointed bed time. And sometimes she was just plain naughty and refused to stay in bed at all.

So, Daddy put an advertisement in the Nanny Times. Interviewed many, many nannies. Only a very special nanny would be right for his girl.

[....]



Some of the nannies seemed too severe. Natty wasn't a bad girl, just a bit willful and rambunctious at times. She didn't need a concentration camp guard. Indeed, because she was sickly, she needed lots of cuddles and care.

But some of the nannies seemed a bit too lenient. Natty was a smart girl and could argue her way out of just about anything. She needed a wise, firm hand -- preferably a hand with a hairbrush.

When Daddy interviewed Beatrice Seymour, he decided that she was the perfect nanny for Natty. A tall, thick, middle-aged woman with a warm smile, she was the perfect mixture of tender caregiver and traditional disciplinarian.

"I see here that you used to be a nurse," Daddy said as he held her resume.

"Yes, for twenty years. Though, I should warn you that some of my methods are a bit out-of-style these days. I think people rely far too much on pills alone, if you know what I mean."

"Indeed. Often the old tried and true remedies are the best."

"Well, I think so," said Nanny Bea.

So, it was settled. Nanny Bea began as Natty's nanny that night, which was good because Daddy had to leave that afternoon to go far far away.

At 9 pm she told Natty to take her medicine and brush her teeth and put on her jimjams. It was hours earlier than Natty normally went to bed, but she was tired that night anyway. Once she snuggled under the covers, Nanny Bea read to Natty until she fell asleep. Kissed her on the forehead and turned out the light.

The next morning Natty couldn't help but scowl when Nanny Bea made her porridge for breakfast -- a thin gruel of rice, oats, and barley. No cinnamon toast or eggs and sausage or pancakes with maple syrup. And certainly no ice cream.

"It's what the Chinese eat for breakfast," said Nanny Bea. "They call it 'congee' or 'jook' and believe that the longer it simmers the more powerful it gets. I started it in the crock pot last night. This particular one is good for building your qi."

"But I'm not Chinese," mumbled Natty.

"No, you're not, but you could stand for a little more qi," said Nanny Bea.

"But can't I get it from Cheerios? Even Raisin Bran is better than this."

Nanny Bea smiled.

"Eat your porridge, please."

So Natty did, but felt sulky. Though, she did admit to herself that it was sorta cool pretending to be Chinese.

Later that day, Nanny Bea made sure Natty did her physical therapy exercises. She also made Natty take a nap in the afternoon and every time Natty got on her laptop, Nanny Bea would set the timer for one hour, after which Natty had to close her laptop and lay down for at least fifteen minutes. There was lentil soup for lunch and a chicken dish for dinner with something called millet. And lots and lots of vegetables.

When nine o'clock came around again, Nanny Bea announced that it was time to get ready for bed.

"But it's three hours before my bedtime and Daddy always lets me watch South Park reruns at 11."

"Fair enough," said Nanny Bea. "But you can only watch it if you get ready for bed now."

"Okay," agreed Natty, who nodded and headed to the bathroom.

"Natty, dear," started Nanny Bea, who entered the bathroom right behind Natty, "before you take your bath tonight, I want to take your temperature and give your insides a good cleaning out."

Hmm...Natty understood the temperature part. She often had fevers at night. But the cleaning out of her insides had her rather confused. Isn't that what Raisin Bran is for?

"Take down your trousers and panties and lay over my lap, please." Nanny Bea sat down on the edge of the bathtub.

Natty gasped. That was how Daddy spanked her!

"But I didn't do anything wrong!"

"Of course not, dear. I just want to take your temperature."

"That way? But I'm not a baby! I can hold it in my mouth just fine."

"Rectal temperatures are more accurate," Nanny Bea said calmly. "Now please do as I asked."

"No! No! That...that's ridiculous!" Natty stamped her little foot.

"Very well, then." Nanny Bea stood up and grabbed Natty by the arm. "I'll let you think about it in the corner while I get the enema ready."

Enema?!

Natty was so shocked by what she heard that it took her several seconds to realize her nose was pointed at the intersection of two white walls. However, once she realized that Nanny Bea was busy in the bathroom, Natty marched right out of that corner and over to the telephone.

"Daddy, you've hired a mad woman," she said when she heard her daddy's voice on the other line.

"Oh no! What's wrong?"

"First she made me eat this icky porridge for breakfast and now she wants to take my temperature in my bum and give me an enema!"

"Ah, won't do you any harm. Might even do you some good."

"But she wants to stick some pokey glass thing and a rubber hose up my ass!"

"Yes, and you'll let her," he said.

How could he be so completely indifferent to her suffering?

"Well...when that thermometer breaks, and I get mercury poisoning, you'll be sorry!"

Daddy chuckled. Then his voice got very stern. "And if you don't do what Nanny Bea tells you, you'll be very sorry when she gives you a good tanning. And then you'll be even more sorry when I find out that you were a naughty girl and give you a good caning."

Gulp.

Daddy's cane hurt. A lot.

"Yes, Sir," Natty said with a whimper.

"Now, be a good girl and do what Nanny says."

"Yes, Sir."

Natty sighed heavily as she hung up the phone and turned to head back to the corner. Except when she turned around, Nanny Bea was standing there with a hairbrush.

Gulp.

"And what does Daddy have to say?"

Natty swallowed hard. Looked at the floor.

"To be a good girl and do what you say."

"Indeed," said Nanny Bea. "But you didn't do what I said when I told you to stand in the corner, did you?"

Natty shook her head as she stared at the carpet. Nanny Bea sighed.

"Well, I'm sorry it's come to this so quickly, but I suppose that perhaps it's for the best that we established this up front." She grabbed Natty's wrist and led her to the couch. "Take off your trousers and panties and lay over my lap, please."

This time, Natty did as she was told.

"I know it's hard getting used to someone new, with all of the new things they do." Nanny Bea stroked Natty's hair and back. "But I'm only doing all of these new things because I care very much about you and want to do what would be the very healthiest for you."

"Okay," Natty squeaked.

"And because I only do those things that are good for you, I expect your complete obedience, Miss Natty. Is that clear?"

"Yes, Nanny," Natty answered barely above a whisper.

"Good."

Natty Bea placed her left hand in the middle of Natty's back and began peppering her plump bottom with the ebony hairbrush. Rapid fire smacks that had Natty squirming and crying out.

"Now, every night I'm going to take your temperature in this very position," Nanny Bea explained as she smacked her charge. "And then I'm going to give you a spanking to remind you to be a good girl. If you've been a good girl that day, then it will be a very short one, and I will only use my hand." The hard spanks continued to splat against Natty's flesh. "But if you have been naughty, then I will use this hairbrush very hard and for a very long time. Understood?"

"Oh -- OW! OWEE!-- yes, Nanny. OWWW!" Natty curled her toes and shut her eyes very tight.

"And once a week, after I've taken your temperature but before your spanking, I will give you a nice warm enema to make sure you're good and clean inside."

Natty whimpered and covered her face with her hands as Nanny Bea's hairbrush continued it's assault.

"And you will let me take your temperature, as well as take your spanking and enema like a good girl, yes?"

After more whimpering and crying, Natty managed to nod her head and murmur a "yes, Nanny."

"Good. And just for good measure, I'm going to give you several good, hard spanks on your thighs. Your daddy told me this is very effective on you."

"Oh no -- please, no, Nanny!"

But it was a futile plea as Nanny Bea laid ten solid, slightly less forceful spanks on each fleshy thigh. Natty squealed and kicked her legs.

"None of that, please." Nanny Bea gave Natty a stingy tap on her right calf, then returned to give her thighs ten more smacks while Natty howled. "Alright, then. All done."

Natty cried into the sofa cushion as Nanny Bea put the hairbrush on the table, rubbed Natty's blotchy red-purple bottom and thighs and stroked her hair.

"Shhh...it's all over now, dear. I know you'll be a very good girl now."

Once Natty finished crying and was breathing softly again, Nanny Bea led Natty into the bedroom. After assembling a glass thermometer, a tin of salve, and an enema bag on the table next to the bed, she put on a latex glove, sat down on the edge of the bed and laid down a towel.

"Okay, Natty dear. Come lay down on your tummy for me please." Nanny Bea patted the towel. After Natty positioned herself on the bed, Nanny Bea spread Natty's cheeks and dabbed a bit of salve on her bummy hole. Then slid the cold, glass thermometer inside the goo.

It was so pokey. Natty couldn't help but whimper. But Nanny Bea patted her bottom and stroked her hair while waiting until it was time to take the thermometer out.

"Excellent. No fever tonight." Nanny Bea put the thermometer on the table. "Now, I'm going to put my finger inside to help you relax that sphincter muscle a bit. But this time I want you to help me by holding your cheeks open with your hands and pressing down inside as if you're going to poop."

Natty reached back and held her cheeks open as Nanny Bea slathered salve on her latex-covered finger, then circled her finger around Natty's bummy hole. After massaging it a bit, Nanny Bea gently, but firmly pushed her finger inside, causing Natty to let out a soft gasp. Once it was in, however, it didn't hurt like she thought it would.

But it did feel very very weird. And it made Natty whimper.

"Just relax, dear." Nanny Bea caressed Natty's hair.

How do you relax when you've got someone's finger up your butt?

"Take a deep breath and then slowly breath out."

That made her feel a little better.

"Hmm...as I suspected. You can definitely do with a cleaning out." Nanny Bea grabbed the nozzle of the enema bag and put some salve on the end of it. "Okay, now I'm going to put the nozzle in. You keep being a good girl and hold those cheeks for me. "

After a gentle poke, the nozzle rested inside Natty's bummy hole. Natty whimpered some more.

"Alright, you can let go of your cheeks." Nanny Bea tapped Natty's bottom as her cheeks relaxed. Sorta. "I'm going to start the enema now. Once I undo the clip, I'll count to six, then clip the tube, count to ten, then remove the clip again until all the water is inside. If it starts to hurt too much, let me know and I'll pause the flow."

The warm water coming in didn't really hurt, just felt rather peculiar. At first. And then --

"I have to go! I have to go right now!" Natty cried.

"It's alright. Hang on for a few more seconds and it will pass."

So Natty bit her lip and took a breath and waited like Nanny Bea said. But she couldn't help it that she started to cry a little.

"Are you feeling okay now?" Nanny Bea asked a moment later.

"Uh huh," Natty nodded.

"Good girl," said Nanny Bea as she patted Natty's bottom and unclipped the enema tube.

After Nanny Bea filled Natty all up, she removed the nozzle and replaced it with a lubricated plug.

"I want you to hold the water inside for five minutes so it has time to work," she said. "This plug will help you keep it all in there."

And while they waited, Nanny Bea rubbed Natty's back and stroked her hair and told her what a very good girl she had been during her very first enema and that she was very proud of her. It made Natty smile and sigh a happy sigh, even though she still felt very uncomfortable.

"Now after you go potty," Nanny Bea instructed as the five minutes came to an end, "you are not to wipe." Her voice had a certain firmness to it that, while authoritative, was not at all mean. "I will do that for you whenever I give you enema because one, I want to remind you, Miss Natty, that while I'm your nanny, I'm the one in charge of every part of you." Then her voice softened. "And two, because you've had to take care of yourself all by yourself a lot of the time and I know that's really hard. I want you to always remember that I'm here to take care of you no matter how unpleasant or embarrassing it might be. Okay?"

Natty felt her eyes start to water again as she smiled and nodded. It was true. It really is hard to be sick all by yourself.

Nanny Bea then let Natty up and helped her waddle to the bathroom where she removed the plug and -- finally! -- let Natty go potty. While Natty sat on the toilet, Nanny Bea drew her a bath with lots of lavender-smelling bubbles. And when Natty was done, just as she said she would, Nanny Bea wiped Natty's sore bottom with a warm wet washcloth before letting her charge settle into a nice, hot bath.

"Oh!" Natty gasped as the water burned her bottom. "It stings!"

"Well, I should think it will for a few days," Nanny Bea smirked.

And she was right. Natty's bottom was still smarting the next morning as she ate her congee. And in the bath the next night before she got into her jimjams and watched South Park re-runs until bedtime. But it was a good sort of smarting. Just like after Daddy spanked her. A reminder that her new nanny loved her and would always take care of her.

Copyright 2006 Natty

Spanko Calandar

Iris over at the Punishment Book wondered about what dates you could put on a personalized calendar for spankos. Fireman Chris, ever the resourceful fellow, had plenty of suggestions.

Hmm...maybe I should use this as some sort of fundraiser for A.'s plane ticket over for Christmas....

Thankful for my readers

Among a whole lot of reasons to be thankful this Thanksgiving is that I have some very wonderful readers! Thanks for reading and commenting and hanging in with me through illness and vanilla spells and lots and lots of me rambling.

Many blessings to you all!

Story: The Sub Strikes Back

Okay, I'm just reposting this story as I had to delete it when something about it messed up my whole blog last month when I first posted it along with its Short Story Contest second place certificate jpeg. So, here it is again sans jpeg, for you to read and be disturbed by it over and over and over again... ;)

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The Sub Strikes Back (Edge) 497 words [M/F; F/M]


Dennys smelled like cheap coffee, bacon and French fries. It made Dana hungry. Not that her stomach wasn't busy enough with all those damn butterflies.

Her eyes skimmed the booths and tables for a red polo shirt, finally stopping at a middled-aged man with a receding hairline in a far corner.

"James?"

[.....]

Her new disciplinarian bade her to sit down across from him. After a few moments of chit chat and menu-scanning, the waitress came to take their order. Dana ordered a bacon cheeseburger and fries.

"Actually," James said to the waitress, "she'll be having the Ceasar's salad." He looked down at Dana. "You said you were having problems with your weight. And clearly you are."

Dana flushed. Sucked in her stomach.

"What are you having, hon?" The waitress looked at Dana.

"The salad," she murmured.

James pursed his lips after the waitress left.

"I'll deal with this later."

When he said stuff like that online or on the phone, it usually made her giddy. But now it gave her a sort of painful, clammy feeling.

Later the salad sloshed uncomfortably as the pillows piled on her bed pressed against Dana's stomach. James rubbed her bare buttocks after smacking them hard for several minutes.

"You're a very bad girl, aren't you?"

Someone else had said that once to Dana while rubbing her bare bottom. When it was not quite as fat and her violated cunt was still bald.

She thought she was going to throw up.

"Bad girls get punished." James took off his belt. "Don't they?"

Dana blinked away the tears that were surfacing.

"Answer me!" James whipped her with the belt. "Bad girls get punished, don't they?"

Dana nodded into the pillows.

"I can't hear you." He slapped the leather on her skin again. "Tell me what happens to bad girls."

A hot feeling started at the base of her spine...That look the waitress gave James, then her. It moved up into her sternum, throughout her chest, arms and finally her stomach.

"I'm not a bad girl." Hushed, yet firm.

"Are you talking back to me?" He lashed Dana's flesh.

"Stop...you have to stop right now..." She paused for a moment. "Red..Red!"

"I don't do safewords," James laughed. "You're being punished. And there are no safewords during a punishment spanking."

Dana turned over onto her back, the belt cutting into the arm she held up to protect herself.

"I said stop!"

"I give the orders. You do what I tell you to do, bitch."

She didn't think. Just kicked. Her foot hitting his testicles. James dropped the belt as he doubled over and Dana scurried to grab it.

"I told you to fucking stop!" she screamed.

She whipped his legs. His ass. His hip. His back. Sobbing, Dana shook her head.

"I'm not a bad girl. I'm not."

Still clutching the belt, she pointed at the door.

"Now get the fuck out of my house before I call the police!"

Copyright 2006 Natty

I'm in trouble

Yep. I so am.

Spank-a-thon

This is very last minute for you folks here in the Portland area but I'm afraid I just got the email telling me about it.

The Portland Leather Alliance is hosting a Vendor Fair and Play Party including a Spank-a-thon at the Ambridge Event Center on 300 NE Multnomah tomorrow, November 18th.

The Vendor Fair is a group of mostly local craftspeople and retailers who come together to sell kinky sexual stuff. They will have Awntie Perv, Kinky Medical, Blade Runner, Boss Bondage, WIAN Studios, Corset Connection, Kinky Celts, Julia, WT Unlimited, Motivational Tools, Loves Leathers, To The Wind Leather, Twisted Toys, Odd a Tees, WolfeBridge Woodwork and more. It begins at noon and goes until 5 pm. Admission is $1.

At the Vendor Fair you can buy tickets for the Play Party, which will be held in 4600 square feet of dungeon space filled with St Andrew's Crosses, Suspension beams, Caning Benches, Spanking horses, a Medical Play area and more. Admission to that is $10 and will be held between 8pm and 1am.

During the Vendor Fair and Play Party, the PLA will be raising money for the Sexual Minority Youth Resource Center with a Spank-a-thon. You'll need a partner, all spanks are with a hand, and you'll need to bring your sponsor sheet to the event. For further information, email rwblount {at} earthlink {dot} net or show up at the Vendors Fair tomorrow.

If A. was here and I wasn't so sick, I'd sooooo be going. I've been to other PLA events before and they are a really great group of people. And what a fun way to raise money!

Oh, and if you can't make it tomorrow but are available for their Holiday Social on December 10th, one of the charities for that event is very near and dear to my heart -- Outside In -- a medical clinic where I've been getting free/low-cost acupuncture for years. It's worth every bit of generosity you can give it.

"Who will be the first one to say the S word?"

That was A.'s question when I told him a little bit ago about my appointment with my anticoagulation nurse this afternoon -- you know, the one I mentioned in this post.

Sometime during the summer I noticed that I would often dress up when I had an appointment with Nurse K. A voice inside my head taunted me with you are so trying to woo her. To which I responded with a sound "am not." Then a few seconds later gasped and went omg, I am!

While I didn't really dress up today -- in fact, I didn't even bother getting out of my jammies, just pulled my sweats on over them -- I did decide that, well, fuck it. Let's just be really provocative and wear my hair in pigtails. So I did. My long, baby fine hair streaming out of two pink hair bands and tangling up with my multi-colored scarf.

The first part of the appointment was all serious with questions about whether or not my immune system can handle a tetanus shot and finding a suitable vein from which to draw blood. The little strips that they usually use to check my clotting time, which simply involves pricking my finger, have been recalled so the last couple of weeks they've had to do an actual blood draw. But, thanks to all my layers under my big black coat keeping me warm (which she said made me look like a penguin) and K.'s skill we managed to get a whole vial on the first stick.

"You're such a good patient," she told me. Which made me smile my good-girl smile.

After scheduling my next appointments (yep, it really is plural), I got ready to go. Gave K. the mandatory hug. Then she started buttoning up my coat.

"You need to stay warm when you go out." She put my hood up. "Do you need this too?"

"Uh, no, I don't think I quite need that," I giggled.

"I know, I know," she said. "'Stop smothering me,' right?"

"Oh, no you're -- "

"Did you want to take this home with you?" K. snapped the rubber tourniquet at me a few times.

"Nah, think I'll let you keep it," I giggled some more. K. got a bit sheepish.

"Don't tell anybody I was doing that! They'll tell me to quit beating the patients!" We both laughed.

Ah...if only... ::grin::

Startled at dictionary.com

So, I was writing an email to A. the other day as part of my recent punishment and started writing the word "gotten." Then wondered if "gotten" was actually a real word. So, I looked it up.

Not only is it a real word, but they even used it in a sentence with spanking. The screen shot is below with my having circled the sentence (which, lemme tell ya, is harder to do in Paint than you might think):

Spanko Blog Delurk Day

Admit it. You love to read spanking blogs. You wander long into the night around the various links on various pages. You read all about our spankings and thoughts on spanking and even read our stories. You come from Germany, Spain, Hungary, even Baghdad and Washington D.C. By the thousands (at least, that's what Stat Counter tells me). But you never comment.

You, my friend, are a lurker.

Which is totally cool. Especially today, as it's your very special day.

Bonnie over at My Bottom Smarts had the brilliant idea (as she often does) to make a day just for you. It's your day to stand up -- or just timidly raise your hand -- and share as little or as much as you like about yourself and your kink. We promise we'll be very nice. In fact, you even might make some new friends.

So go ahead. Click the comments section and tell us a little bit about who you are in Rochester, Bayern, Barcelona, London, or Reston -- or where ever you are. :-)

Some naughty thoughts involving nurses

As you might imagine, I spend a lot of time with various medical professionals these days, including nurses.

There was a week last month when I was in and out of the ER twice because of shortness of breath (they finally decided it was bronchitis and the beginnings of asthma). Both times another pulmonary embolism had to be ruled out, which usually involves getting a CT scan with a contrast dye and requires a large needle IV. During the first visit the nurse was hunting for a suitable vein (a rather daunting task at times) and remarked at how fair my skin was. "Oh, you're so gonna need to be careful as you get older that you don't break your skin with tape and stuff." You don't even want to know what my boyfriend does to me, I thought. ::evil grin::

The nurse I see most consistently is K., the one who does my anticoagulation therapy. And while I said awhile back that I didn't have any spanking fantasies about her, that has now changed. I mean, how can it not when at my last appointment she says stuff like "you better behave this week" while hugging me and sending me on my way? If I hadn't been so lethargic that day, I probably would have had some mischievous come back. But, alas, I just mumbled a bland "I'll try."

Indeed, the day after the second trip to the emergency room I was rather hyper in that way little kids are right before they're about to crash (I blame the Albuterol - asthma medicine - they gave me in the ER). Okay, the Laffy Taffy I kept eating all day also probably contributed to my exhausted jitteriness. I imagined Nurse K. catching me with my hand in the bag of Laffy Taffy in the cupboard when I was supposed to be in bed. Telling me that she thought I'd had quite enough of that for one day. Asking me what my discharge instructions were (Rest and avoid stimulants). Asking me if I'd actually been resting (er...um, well, not really, but hey, I did finally put away the clothes my caregiver washed and folded the week before...). Finally sitting down and saying, "alright, over my lap." Then giving me a good, long spanking with a hairbrush.

In reality, I doubt she'd be doing any spanking. This is the same nurse who said I was fragile. In fact, I'm quite sure she'd be horrified to know my boyfriend has beaten me with a riding crop or a wooden spoon while I've been taking Coumadin.

Not that she couldn't wield a wicked wooden spoon herself I'd imagine...

Lordy I so need to finish that nanny story I've been working on since -- omg, it's been a whole year now! How pathetic is THAT?!

Unbearable fantasies?

Lately my fantasies have centered around being given a long, sound spanking with a hairbrush. Hard and rapid fire. And way, way past my breaking point so that I lose my ability to bear the pain and the spanking keeps going. And going. And going some more until I'm well and truly blubbering.

Generally when anybody spanks me, they stop too soon. I'm always what seems like a few more minutes away from the spanking being well beyond what I can endure when it suddenly stops -- well within my ability to process the pain, despite how much it truly does hurt. Once a spanko friend said he could have me crying and begging for the spanking to stop, and I replied honestly and matter-of-factly: your arm will get tired first. He thought I was being cheeky and spanked me some more. But still not any where near enough to make me cry.

Of course, there are some logistical reasons why my fantasy won't work at the moment. My beloved is 5000 miles away. I'm on anti-coagulants and should avoid excessive bruising.

There are also more ambivalent issues, like, I live with a chronic pain condition (Fibromyalgia) in which my brain is not processing pain properly in the first place, and I'm not sure that turning up the amplifier even more is a great idea. I mean, each day I take two separate narcotics, along with a muscle relaxant and an anti seizure medicine just to make life tolerable. The primary muscular-skeletal area (as in, one of several types of pain I live with) in which I'm in pain is my sacro-iliac region - i.e. the middle of my right buttock. Surely spanking can't possibly be a good thing for that -- especially one as awful as what I'm fantasizing about.

Are there just some fantasies that, while having great aesthetic appeal, should just stay fantasy?

Bloody Blogger

Those of you who read this blog via Internet Explorer (personally, I'm partial to Firefox) have not been able to much lately because of some unknown glitch that apparently has involved the post with the story "A Sub Strikes Back." I've deleted that post, as well as the graphics for the "Keep torture for consenting perverts only" post and the post about the movie Another Country. I'll repost the story another day.

Blogger is in the process of upgrading its software, and I have been reticent to switch to the new beta version -- mostly because beta versions are notorious for being buggy and I didn't want the stress. Apparently they've decided that those who fail to "upgrade" are the ones who will suffer the bugs.

Bastards. Never trust a company with the motto, "Don't be evil."

At any rate, a big, big, big thank you to sparkle for taking a look at the source code and finding the offensive post. Also thanks to poiesia who gave me a heads up that something was wrong (the blog always shows up fine in Firefox). I've decided I should probably check on how the blog looks once a week in IE. However, if you all ever notice an abrupt change in appearance and have a moment, feel free to email me heads-up!

Internet luvin

O.

M.

G.

It's internet enabled?

A. and I sooo have to get this. I mean, not that phone D/s isn't fun and all. And there's been an internet element to it as he either sends me emails with instructions for his call, or tells me what to do on the phone and then has me email him with the results.

But the thought of a Rabbit Vibrator that he can control? Oh WOW!

(Hat tip to Pink Bottomed Girls)

One of those sorts of mornings

Some mornings you just wake up and think, "damn I need to be spanked!"

Today is one of those mornings (okay, it's actually afternoon, but morning to me). I'm sitting here at my laptop trying to wake up by reading my emails and eating the chicken tetrazzini Meals on Wheels just delivered, and all I can think about is how nice it would be to get a jolly good thrashing. With a hairbrush preferably.

Sigh.

A. and I did some spanking over the phone the other day, but it's awkward not only for the obvious reasons of angle and difficulty really hitting myself hard enough but also because neither of us can see if and how much I'm bruising. Gawd I really hate Coumadin.

He was successful, however, in causing some delicious discomfort to my, um -- lol I can't hardly say it out loud much less type it! -- well, you know, between the cheeks. First I had to put a little bit of toothpaste there, then insert peeled ginger root. O. M. G! After five or so minutes, I could barely follow any of his other instructions as the sting had become impossible to ignore.

It was absolutely yummy.

What wasn't yummy, though, was that my failure to follow commands meant I ended up with a bar of soap in my mouth. But -- ::evil chuckle:: -- between the soap being right out of the package and my mouth being parched, I really didn't get much soapy taste. He he he...

Right. I need to stop having so many damn doctor's appointments and other medical shit to deal with so I can blog more about spanking.

Yup. Definitely.

Keep torture for consenting perverts only!

I really want to encourage all of you fellow perverts out there to participate in Amnesty International's "The America I Believe In" campaign. While I'll admit to being skeptical about just how much real political effect signing a pledge on a website has, I figure it can't hurt. And the recent Military Commissions Act of 2006 goes against every ideal America is supposed to stand for, as well as a whole host of basic, internationally-agreed upon human rights. It deserves as much condemnation as we can give it.

School canings and a Communist Colin Firth

Just finished watching a brilliant movie, Another Country, set in a British public school during the 1930s. I figured with that sort of setting, there's got to be at least one good caning in it, ya know? And there is, though the way in which it was done - a sort of peer imposed discipline - didn't quite work for me (though I had that most bizarre of spankee thoughts -- hmm...I wonder what it would be like to get caned that hard...wait, no, don't think that and for gawd's sake don't say that to A.!).

What did work for me was Colin Firth as a moralistic, self-righteous Communist spouting off about the bourgeoisie and the proletariat throughout the movie. OMG! Can there be a more dreamy toppish character? ::swoon:: I keep trying to put my finger on just what makes Colin Firth so hot. I mean, he's fairly plain when you compare him to other hot guys. I dunno. I really think it's that he emits some sort of spanko vibe that even non-spanko women find unwittingly appealing and makes those of us who are spankos simply drool.

Spanking and a Communist Colin Firth aside, Another Country really is a great movie in exploring class (again, set in a British public school so class is going to be a central issue) and sexuality (you know, boys having sex with boys but for heaven's sake don't ever get caught). Rupert Everett plays Guy Bennett, a gay schoolboy who later goes on to betray his country as a spy for the Russians (don't worry, I haven't spoiled the plot, you learn that in the first five minutes or so). The film, as the stage play before it, explores the psychology behind how Bennett, based on the real-life Guy Burgess, could come to a point where he would chose to be a traitor.

Interestingly enough, his affair is with a character played by Carey Elewes -- you know, Westley from The Princess Bride. Actually, Another Country is about four years before his "as you wish" days so he's just this cute, freckled-face lad. And being the bad Catholic that I am, I thought it quite apt that he's played both a gay schoolboy and the future Pope John Paul II.

It's funny because movies or books set in lavish school settings always bring out the Lisa Simpson in me. There's more than one scene of Everett and Firth reading or talking in a wood-paneled room with a bay window -- my idea of academic nirvana. Indeed, I remember when I read Catcher in the Rye, I had a hard time finding Holden Caulfield at all sympathetic because all I could think was, "oh boo hoo, you only have access to the best education money can buy and a family home next to Central Park! Gawd it must suck to be you!" (I think you can see where a Communist Colin Firth would be so appealing to me...)

Which reminds me of my last post. I think the reason my spanking life is so unlike spanking fiction is that I'm both "Natty" and Lisa Simpson stuck in the same body. LOL -- hell, that's probably why I'm so sick...

Anti-spanking fiction

Earlier today I was taking the Five Factor Personality quiz that Mija had posted on her blog from awhile back (I'm sooo behind on my blog-reading) and had to kind of laugh at my results on the second factor: conscientiousness.

You have high conscientiousness.
Intelligent and reliable, you tend to succeed in life.
Most things in your life are organized and planned well.
But you borderline on being a total perfectionist.

It's especially funny as just last night I was thinking about how A.'s and my spanking life is sorta anti-spanking fiction. He's the more disorganized, unstructured, "bend the rules" sort, while I'm generally the neat, obedient, anal retentive control freak. I mean, sometimes I'm late for appointments. I can procrastinate at times, which probably contributes to my being late. Well, that and trying to cram way too much into too little time. Every now and then I still get willful when it comes to respecting my physical limitations. But when it comes right down to it, I'm just not really that naughty. Granted, I'm bedridden most of the time so it's not like I really have the opportunity to do much that's naughty. But even when I'm healthy, I'm generally a very good girl.

It's hard to be a good spanko when you're just not really very naughty, ya know?

I dunno. Would I be more naughty if I wasn't sick? Would I have been more like my Allie/Natty alter-ego if my health and childhood environment had been different? There is something in me that innately longs for discipline and yet, in most respects, I am fairly self-disciplined. A part of me that longs to be rambunctious and willful and naughty, that wants candy and ice cream, but another part of me that likes watching PBS and making nice Chinese herbal soups and resting. Was I just my own parent for so long that both the child and the parent are now innate parts of me?

I do know there are naughty aspects of me that I suppress. My inner smart-ass, for instance. Or normal self-indulgence. I'm tactful and empathetic because those were vital survival skills growing up. Yet I do think that I suppress them far too much. Being a bit of an ego-centric bitch would probably be handy at the doctor's office on occasion. However, if I need to stop suppressing them, getting punished for expressing them probably wouldn't be the best course of action. Hmm...maybe I should get punished if don't express them. Maybe knowing that I'm going to be spanked if, say, I'm not assertive with my doctor would be a good thing.

Might have helped me last week when I should have insisted that Dr. H check me for a type of bacterial infection I strongly suspect I might have but instead remained silent because when I mentioned it before he looked at me like I was completely crazy. I was really annoyed with myself later. Even more annoyed with myself a few days after that when the acupuncturist asked why I just didn't insist that he do the blood test. I mumbled something about the test requiring a lot of precautions and stuff, to which she simply shrugged and said it's not that big of a deal for him to manage, which I knew was true.

Believe it or not, I'm actually a lot more assertive than I used to be and that's in large part because of all the health problems since my ill-fated surgery seven years ago. I mean, I actually ask questions now.

But, well, being spanked for not being enough of a smart ass would still make for odd spanking stories.

Primate spanking?

A. and I were just talking and he wondered if primates spank each other. A quick Google search didn't yield much beyond "spanking the monkey" references. Any biologists out there who could provide an answer?

A whole book

Ah, my poor spanking blog has been neglected of late. My DSL was out of service, my nieces came to spend the night and wore me out big time, and I've been distracted by a lengthy, decidedly non-kink discussion over at my vanilla blog regarding the Pope, Islam, and the nature of violence.

Yeah, it's soooo time to get back to spanking.

Since my phone doesn't work when my DSL is down, my mom had to come over last Saturday so that I could use her cell phone to call Qwest. When she did, she brought all five of my sister's kids over, along with her own husband and my 21-year-old brother with Down Syndrome. It made for a full house, or rather, studio apartment. Keeping twin five-year olds quiet was a bit of a job. At one point, my mom's husband was sitting on my bed and looked up at my bookshelf.

"You kids better be good. Your aunt has a whole book on disciplining and punishing."

The book in question was Michel Foucault's Discipline and Punish.

I laughed.

"Yep," he said. "I bet there's all kinds of punishments in there."

Yes. Yes there are. If drawing and quartering is your sort of thing. Well, okay, there is an illustration of a spanking machine.

However, for a history text with juicy spanking details, I prefer Phillippe Aries' Centuries of Childhood. There's a whole chapter on school discipline.

My nieces and nephew hardly needed any disciplining or punishing though as they were nearly perfect angels while I was on the phone.

Really. :)

Random

I swear this assortment of spanking implements on my kitchen counter ended up there in completely random, non-kinky ways.

Really.

The pancake turner I took out last week to lift an omelette off the gridle -- for which is was woefully ineffective. We bought it at the Dollar Store in June, despite A.'s suspicion that its bark was worse than it's bite. He was right. It's also woefully ineffective as a spanking implement. It is helpful, however, in killing cockroaches, which is what I've been using it for lately.

The flyswatter I've been using to kill cockroaches elsewhere in my apartment. Not sure how it made it into the kitchen. If you were able to zoom in on it, you'd see that the top of it is broken after I was spanked with it when A. first found it last summer.

The wooden spoon started out in the toybox/craft box under the bed, then made its appearance in this post when A. broke two of my kitchen wooden spoons on my back side. It was laying on my desk in the kitchen afterward as I tried to decide if I wanted to leave it in the kitchen to replace the broken spoons, or return it to the toybox. The other day I decided to clean off my desk and placed the spoon on the counter during the process.

And then last night I was printing up some photos and grabbed my twenty-four inch ruler, which is always next to my desk, to measure the various frames. It too made it to the counter when I was cleaning up the debris of cutting up pictures to fit into frames.

See. Totally random.

I've been trying to tell everyone...

You Are a Good Girl

You are 80% Good and 20% Bad Generally speaking, you're a very good girl. (But you don't have us totally fooled!)

Are You a Good Girl or a Bad Girl?

Natty's wish list

Nathan Rysher on the soc.sexuality.spanking newsgroup posted today about a children's book he had come acrossed called John Patrick Norman McHennessy: The boy who was always late. So, I went to Amazon and found it and thought it would be a handy thing to put on my wish list. Except, I thought it would look pretty odd among all the academic stuff I've got listed. And then it hit me: why not make a wish list for Natty?

So, this afternoon/evening I've been doing just that. I created an account for Natty and set up a wish list and put all kinds of books and pervertibles on it. If only Ian at The London Tanners or the kind folks at Adam and Gillians had some way to put their fine wares on my wish list...

I've been in my Natty mood big time the last couple of days and this gave my Natty self something to pass the time. It's been a long time since I was in this sort of a mood. Probably close to a year. I was starting to think she'd disappeared altogether until I started to feel her around a bit in May. Then I had the PE and went back into health crisis mode.

Not sure I'm all that keen on being spanked yet. My coccyx/pelvis/sacrum is still really achy. But then, part of being in my Natty mood has been about feeling very willful and not at all interested in that will being checked.

The Pinto of laptops

I have decided that I have the Pinto of laptops.

Since buying my Averatec 3150 over two and a half years ago, I have gotten quite a bit of mileage from it, but also a lot of problems. It had a virus right out of the box. The bottom heats up very quickly so that it often has to shut down in order to cool off. Indeed, it heats up so quickly that it was confiscated by security at Ben Gurion airport when I went to leave after attending a conference in Jerusalem. I got it back four days later with a piece of the grating over the fan missing.

Then there was the broken LCD screen. That was fixed almost a year or so ago, but it still goes dark frequently when I turn the computer on in the morning.

And now my ethernet port is broken. Though there is free WiFi in downtown Portland, my laptop's built-in WiFi sucks and the heat fries any WiFi card. If I take my laptop out onto the balcony I can get a decent connection, but I'm not strong enough to sit up for very long so I haven't been doing much more than reading email and a little bit of news.

However I think I've finally figured out how to MacGyver it, as my grandpa used to say. I've duct taped the ethernet cord to the bottom very tightly and that seems to allow me to keep a decent connection for the time being. So, hopefully I'll be able to get back to blogging.

But one of these days I soooo want the Toyota Corolla version of a laptop.