In Dyke Grrl's (aka Jigsaw Analogy) latest post she talks about the impact child abuse has on her current spanking relationship with her partner and asks her readers about their own experiences talking about spanking in therapy.
I have to admit, I've been way too wussy to ever mention to a therapist that I'm into spanking. That is, until Friday.
As my old therapist is no longer working, I'm starting out with a new one. And I decided to take a tip from PB pal, Iris, in the comments section of the Dyke Grrl's post and state to my new therapist that I need to be able to discuss my sexual expression/orientation, which for me involves BDSM, without fear of judgment.
It turned out that the questionnaire I completed in the waiting room asked, among other things, if I was having problems with sex. I marked yes because being sick so much this last year (the primary reason I'm pursing therapy) has most certainly interfered with my sexuality.
When my new therapist asked me to elaborate on what the problems were, I ignored those voices inside screaming "obscure, obscure!" and stated clearly that all the pain and feeling shitty made it difficult for me to engage in my primary form of sexual expression, namely, BDSM. She smiled softly, wrote something down, and then asked me how long I had been into that. It was then my turn to smile and prattle on wistfully that I've been fantasizing about being spanked since I was a little kid. Again, she smiled softly, wrote something down and then turned to another topic. As the intake came to a close, she asked if I anything else to add, and I just reiterated my three main ground rules for us to have effective therapy, the last one being that I need to feel safe to discuss my sexuality, including BDSM, without fear of judgment. It was a deal.
I was so frank. So straightforward. And it was so easy. Well, at least so far. Ultimately Dyke Grrl's challenge was whether or not anybody had managed to discuss their DD arrangement with a therapist. And, well, I'll see in the weeks to come if I'm up to that challenge.
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Who am I?
- Natty
- Portland, Oregon
- Natty is the alter ego of my grown-up self, Michelle. Spanking is a pleasure my partner, A., and I love to give and receive. Due to mutual poverty, my illness, visa restrictions and domestic welfare policy, we live on two different continents. Can't say I recommend the intercontinental thing, but we make do.
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Being the attention whore that I am (and a lonely, housebound one at that), I love email. Unfortunately I make an abysmal correspondent. Since I'm asleep much of the day and have to budget my energy carefully, it may take me awhile to reply (I'm ashamed to say, but sometimes even months). Please don't take my rudeness personally. If you need an answer to something urgently, and I haven't emailed you back in a few days, feel free to email me again and give my poor short-term memory a nudge.
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10 comments:
Well! Good for you!
I've discussed my interest in spanking (I'm a spanker) w/ my therapist, and believe it or not, it was a very good thing I did. There was no judgement; just the sense that the therapist has had the same fantasies, and could relate to what I was saying to him.
~~Amazing that..but, I, for one, was surprised & reassured, by this.
I'm new to your blog, but I'll be back to read some more.
Cheers!
xx,Cain
Thanks!
Glad to know your experience with your therapist was also a positive one. Maybe psychologists aren't pathologizing BDSM sexuality as much as they used to. Very cool!
Oh, and welcome to the blog! I just got a quick glimpse of your blog but I promise to be back. :)
HOORAY! YAY! BRAVA! GOOD FOR YOU!
I'm so impressed, Natty. Seriously. I have good ideas sometimes, but I haven't implemented this one yet, just thought about what a good idea it will be when I do it someday. :-) AND, you did it in person, which I think is much harder than doing it over the phone [squirm].
Do keep us posted about how the conversations go and how she reacts when you get to the DD stuff.
Big hugs,
Iris
P.S. I want to comment on your PB post too, but don't have time at the moment. But I'm going to... :-)
Definitely go you! I'll be keeping my eye out for further updates on this one, and I'm very glad that someone got some benefit from that post.
And, who knows, if things work out well for you, perhaps I'll get brave enough to mention this stuff to my own therapist.
He he, I feel like a freeking spanko pioneer here. First the hematologist, now the therapist. LOL ;)
Definitely will keep ya all posted on the developments. I doubt there will be too many sessions dealing with spanking as I'm pursing therapy for other issues. But, ya never know.
i have told my therapist a LOT about my D/s relationship. she is extremely supportive and has even told me that she thinks that it shows a lot of ego strength to do what i do.
Excellent! I'm glad I'm hearing such positive feedback. :)
she thinks that it shows a lot of ego strength to do what i do
Exploring my spanking fetish was the very first thing I ever did without first seeking the approval of someone else or did based on someone else's suggestion. It's definitely been a very empowering thing.
So I've not come out to a therapist recently, since I'm not in therapy at the moment.
However, I see a priest on a monthly basis for spiritual direction, and this past summer as I was writing an essay to explore some of the connections I find between my identity as a Catholic woman and my identity as a kinkster (still looking for a simple word to express "one who is kinky;" I don't quite feel the right to call myself a leatherwoman).
In any case, I wanted to run a few theoretical things past my spiritual director related to my essay and by extension my interest in BDSM but kept holding back. In trying to discern my motives, it occurred to me that my reluctance stemmed from fear -- partly of his rejection, but much more clearly of God's rejection of me due to my practicing BDSM.
This made it clear that I absolutely had to come out to him.
I did... and it was okay. Actually, it was wonderful, great, liberating, and reenergized my prayer life for some time.
His reaction surprised me, though. He asked me a few questions to clarify what it was that I was trying to communicate -- questions about whether or not it affected my fidelity to my spouse and whether or I had ever not safeworded when I should have or had pushed someone else beyond the point of a safeword.
My spiritual director knew enough to ask about safe, sane and consensual. Go figure.
Then he mentioned that in the course of his own interest in science fiction and sci-fi conventions, he comes across wonderful leather workers and mentioned a few that I might find interesting, and we slowly moved on to other topics, after he reassured me that he didn't find it to be problematic or strange and thought it was a wonderful gift that God had given to me.
That day was a beginning of a transformation that continues, of being fearful of condemnation to being amazed at God's grace and love.
Wow.
It's since empowered me to be out to a few select friends in my life, which has been more than I've been out to for years.
Talk about unexpected gifts!
Blessings,
raven
Wow indeed!
I grew up Baptist but converted to the Byzantine rite of the Catholic Church in 2000 and I think one of the best parts about being Catholic is confession. Well, if you have the right priest. For the most part, I have and it's been really liberating (see My Natty Moods. Just like for you, a reminder of God's love and acceptance rather than condemnation.
I love how your spiritual director referred to it as a gift from God. It really is. Made me think of my parish priest who once said something like, since we're all made in the image of God, when we hide who we really are, we hide some aspect of God that He created in us for us to be to the world - if that makes any sense. I've run out of NyQuil and have moved on to whiskey -- hot toddies.
I'm so glad you've started a blog to talk about your experiences integrating your faith and kink (is your essay posted there?). I took a brief look but promise I'll be back to read more and comment when I'm feeling better!
Thanks for sharing your experience. It was a nice little moment of grace for me. :)
Natty,
Thanks! Byzantine Catholic? How very cool! I have some questions; perhaps I'll figure out how to take them offline. :)
I think you're right on about the confession piece being so powerful, usually when one has a good confessor. It seems that confession accomplishes the one thing that all the therapy in the world can't (at least in my experience of confession and of therapy). I've never had a therapist able to say so definitively and so simply, "You are forgiven" even without a co-pay! ;-)
But you really, really hit something in the post on "My Natty Moods" that resonated deeply with me -- that sense of wanting a confessor to be harder on you. This is an experience I've had a few times and have been thinking of blogging. I'd like to link to your post if I do manage to write what's swirling about in my brain.
Blessings,
Raven
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