Natty's Spanking Blog: Despite

Saturday, July 30, 2005

Despite

The other night as A. and I were talking, our discussion led to a traumatic memory of abuse from my childhood. It's still something that is hard for me to verbalize and after giving him a brief, nondescript summary of the incident, he held me quietly while the memory played out in full detail in my mind. He rubbed my back as I began to cry. Caressed my bottom, an act that usually turns on my spanko cravings. Instead, it reminded me of years lived in fear. I even slightly flinched at one point when his hand came toward my head to stroke my hair.

When I first began to explore my spanking kink five years ago, I thought that perhaps my desire for a spanking was an eroticization of the abuse from my childhood.

But over the years I've realized that I'm a spanko despite the abuse.

6 comments:

Julie said...: I'm often scared to consider my spanking desires in light of my family history, or worse, in light of my overarching psychological issues. Somehow the spanko-ness feels so separate, and some days, like a special gift. I don't want to minimize it by explaining it away as "one more way I need to be (fill in the blank)."

Congratulations on experiencing the memory but still keeping your spanko identity intact.; 1:43 PM, July 30, 2005
Dyke Grrl said...: I just discovered your blog, but I remember you from our brief overlap on SSS. It's good to see you again!

I sometimes worry about how spanking makes sense given my history. But then, I also think, "No one ever says that it's a bad thing when people who were sexually abused as children like consensual sex as adults. So why do they think it's bad to like consensual spanking?"

Of course, that leaves one's partner, who might have their own issues about doing something that triggers bad memories (I point out to my wife that she fully participates in making me go to the dentist, which more consistently triggers bad memories, but it doesn't seem to convince her).; 3:10 PM, July 30, 2005
me said...: Very appropriately timed blog, Natty....as usual. *Smiles*

Echoing Julie, I am coming to terms that "spanking interest etiology" may or may not have anything to past history/childhood -- no one will ever be able to make such correlations.

The origins aside, however, what I do know is that it can trigger memories, landmines, through "spankingplay" or latent, passive awareness -- such as a casual reference, etc.

In addition to the *fun* and total, spanking can act as a catalyst and in some ways, unintentionally, as a bridge to regression. I'm sort of pondering that lately.

Anyhow, I'm glad you have A!

Hugsss,

poiesia; 3:23 PM, July 31, 2005
Natty said...: Heya Julie,

Yes, I think at first I was sort of afraid to look at it in terms of my past also. However, I realized that my spanking fantasies started before the abuse, so that eroticization thing can't quite be it. But there was definitely a sort of culture of spanking in which I grew up that probably did encourage my spanko-ness. And my past certainly shaped the way my spanko-ness developed. I'm one of the few spankos who actually doesn't like to watch others getting spanked (unless it's something like porn intended to make me fantasize about being spanked) because punishment was often meant to be humiliating in my home growing up. Not growing up with a father made my spanking fantasies revolve around a "strict, but loving daddy" figure.

I think you're right in thinking of it as a gift and not wanting to minimize it with some sort of psycho-babble effort to define it. It's just there. And just like with anything else, we learn to use it in healthy ways.; 5:52 PM, July 31, 2005
Natty said...: Dyke grrl!!! Heya! So glad you found the place. :)

Seeing you here reminded me of one of my all time favorite spanking stories, one that you wrote called "Make Me Whole" that I just looked up and read again. It's one of those stories that just so perfectly reflected my own situation. The character's name was even Michelle. And, of course, it was beautifully written. Still makes me cry. :)

I don't find that my spanking play triggers many bad memories. That usually comes from other things that often seem banal, or especially from therapy, though that's gotten better too.

But I think you're right that consentual spanking shouldn't be seen as some form of pathology any more than consensual sex is a form of pathology from sexual abuse. And I think your story showed that it can make you feel good again. Safe.

So happy you've stopped by. I've missed ya at SSS. :); 7:26 PM, July 31, 2005
Natty said...: Hmm...yes, Poiesia, spanking can lead to some sort of regression. As I read your comment it occurred to me that there has been a spanking partner who often triggers the same feelings that I often had with my stepfather, though I can't quite figure out why. That person would probably be horrified to know that he did. But I have come to realize something wasn't quite right about our spanking sessions, though still haven't been able to put my finger on it. Your comments give me something more to think about.

And I'm glad I've got A. too. He's wonderful in so many ways that I don't really get to talk about on here. :); 7:31 PM, July 31, 2005