Last year A. requested I make a few sexy videos of myself for his birthday including both dominant and submissive themes. Eager to grant my beloved's birthday wish, I set about creating story lines and writing scripts for the three minutes of video my camera will shoot.
I did so with a muggy dread at seeing my body in all its fullness and folds on camera, peppered with carbuncles, cellulite and bruises in their multicolored stages of healing -- so very unsexy when they aren't on my backside. The video of me as a slave in which I was completely naked was -- and remains -- the most difficult for me to watch. However upon checking myself out in the mirror when I was dressed up in a black lace bra, black stockings, and black garter belt for my dominatrix character, I was surprised to find myself thinking that I looked, well...hot. Neither was I adverse to watching myself in this costume on video.*
For one of only a few times in my life there was symmetry between my body and the construct. Between the ideal depicted in popular culture, in this case the full-figured dominatrix, and what I was trying to attain in my imagination. It was then I realized that one of the reasons it has been so hard for me to accept my body over the years has been that as someone who has lived much of my imaginary (and sexual) life as a little girl, seeing a fleshy woman with mountainous breasts and lavish hips in the mirror has always been a source of tremendous dissonance.
It's not that my body is devoid of "little" characteristics. I'm 5' tall. My feet can fit into shoes as small as size 5 1/2 if they're wide enough. The fingers on those miniature stretchy gloves are often still too long when fitted onto my tiny hands. And the hair stylist I used to go to referred to my hair as "baby hair" because it's so thin it slides right through "adult-sized" barrettes.
However I did not have the body of a child for much of my childhood. I can remember watching Annie as a nine-year-old, with Aileen Quinn dressed in dainty cream and navy sailor suits and perky royal blue rompers with puffed pants and wanting terribly to dress like that. To look like that. Except I would have looked laughable in them. Despite being the same age as Aileen/"Annie," I had finally resigned to wearing a bra that year as my C-cup-sized-breasts could not longer be allowed to hang about. A few months ago my grandma presented me with a picture of my 11th birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese. I suddenly understood why strangers were so shocked when I told them how old I was. In a my black and white flowered dress with the collar dipping down to breasts bulging against the cotton fabric, I would have sworn I was in my mid-20s.
Being a woman who is sexually submissive is about being small. Easily overpowered and dominated. You do not see many tall, fat submissives in BDSM porn. Not only is there the cultural aesthetic favoring the thin, but large women also take up too much space with estrogen-rich fat that the male dominant should be filling with testosterone, muscle, and patriarchal authority.
Yes, I'd like to see porn with more fat -- and tall -- women playing submissive characters along with their traditional roles as dominatrices. Though if I'm honest, I know I'm being more than a little hypocritical as I personally would not feel comfortable putting my own body on film for more than my lover to see. It may be that there are spanking porn producers out there who are more open to various body shapes and sizes but simply do not have many larger women auditioning.
I suppose I could say I have the perfect body for a switch. I'm short enough that my feet dangle above the floor when I'm over his knee and I have enough weight to throw around as the demanding domme. The perfect body for my dearest to both pet and worship. The perfect body for three-minute porn just for A.
_________________
*Needless to say, neither was A. He was quite pleased with all three.
Friday, August 28, 2009
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Posts
7 comments:
Natty, I hear so much of what you're saying. I can hardly bear to look at myself undressed in the mirror, let alone photographs or {shudder} video. It's not only my weight - there are other reasons - but ... ew.
It doesn't stop Chris from looking or photographing when he feels like it, though.
Still, on Fetlife and his blog, I can hardly look at pictures of myself. I'm glad you broke through that barrier.
s
When I first started reading spanking stories, I began to wonder if I were the only bottom over 5'5" in the entire kinky world. Maybe that's one of the reasons I like Amelia-Jane Rutherford's work so much.
As for body image, well, that's a tough one for a lot of us. My play partners like to photograph after the scene. I'm generally curious about exactly how my bottom looks afterwards not to mind, but I absolutely hate the one she (top) took of him (switch) and me bent over the bed after she thrashed us both. They both love it, but I think his tiny, tight butt makes mine look rather enormous.
Anyway, good for you, getting past all that to give A such a gift. I also enjoyed the age/submission part of the post. I was getting carded in my 40's, so I guess I look younger than I am. But I do find it hard to put away my intimidating defense mechanisms to give tops the room they need to be large and in charge, metaphorically speaking.
Serenity: Yes I think the fact that the only people we really see pictured on a regular basis are women who, in reality are being photo-shopped, and airbrushed, and have sprayed on tans and professional makeup/hair. It's so hard to look at how we are in reality. And intellectually I know that's what I'm doing -- contrasting the real with the...fixed -- but it's still so hard move past what that bombardment of the "fixed" does to us on an emotional level.
Indy -- It's funny but it seems like as I get older I look younger. Once I finally got to my 20s, people thought I was in my teens. Even now if I have my hair in braids or pigtails, I'm likely to get carded. Life is just odd.
Putting those defense mechanisms away is hard. I can still have problems with it even though my partner has never given me reason not to trust him. And it's really special when he's able to pull me past them.
I have an old fashioned dress that I sometimes wear for "domination" purposes. It gives me an air of a nanny, governess, or mother, good for taking the hubby over my lap or for giving him a dose of the martinet.
brilliant ad beautiful
Natty - this is the most real thing I've read all week. Thank you for sharing - you have a real gift for communication!
miss kitty
I keep coming back to this post. I think it's brilliant, and the last paragraph is so affirming.
I certainly intend to make porn including more fat and tall women. I'm nodding in agreement re the advantages to switches in particular :)
A couple of weekends ago I was at Tom's housewarming party. His housemates are both dear friends of mine, I've known them for years, but there were still a couple of people at the party I hadn't met before. One was the high school sweetheart of Tom's housemate, who is a big jolly bisexual chap. His ex was an absolute stunner: tall, fat, curvy, in a ridiculously awesome 50s ladybird print dress with lots of petticoats, and I kind of crushed on her at once.
We got talking and it turns out that not only is she a nude model, but she was the "size 18" girl in the "plus-sized" Glamour shoot I linked recently, where Lizzie Miller was the size 12. I only found this out after I told her what I did, which she accepted without blinking. I was kind of hoping she'd pick up on my mentioning kink, as I would have loved to film with her, but she didn't.
Except a few hours later, she was heading home at the end of the night, and she came over to say goodbye to me. "Can I get your email address?" she asked. "I don't know if this is the sort of question it's okay to ask, but I would be really interested in filming for your site."
"...Really?" I gaped at her. "Are you kinky?"
"Yeah, I'm a switch."
"Awesome! Have you done any fetish modelling before?"
"Nope, but I'm really interested in trying it!"
This was the most random, cool thing to happen to me in ages. I can't wait to work with her. I suspect she'll be brilliant. I hope you like the results :)
Post a Comment