I've been thinking over the last few weeks about what an amazing transformation I made in a mere decade.
In 1994, I was living with a family from my Baptist church while going to university. I had never had a drop of alcohol or even been kissed. I was teaching Children's Church, directing a weekly children's Bible memorization program, and leading music for my church college group in addition to my studies.
By 2004, not only had I been laid and drunk, I started writing a sex blog about spanking. Sure, I was still going to church, but I was Byzantine Catholic (and a dubious one at that by that point).
Have any of you, as you've started blogging or going to spanking parties wondered, how the hell did I end up here? Have you found that in embracing your sexuality, it has taken you places you never expected to go? Do you ever wonder who this new sexual deviant is, or asked the inverse question, who was that uptight, repressed person I used to be?
Needless to say, I've been rather pensive lately. It's probably why I haven't been posting as much. I mean, I've actually been journaling...in private.
But A. gets in tomorrow night, and I know we have at least one play session that we want to blog about coming up on Friday night (you know, health permitting), so hopefully my meditative mood will disperse and I'll have more juicy posts forthcoming.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Posts
6 comments:
Natty, we all change in life, some have little changes and some big ones.
I don't feel that you are regretting the changes, I suspect that your life is far more interesting than oit used to be.
Have a great time with A, looking forward to reading what you will share.
Warm hugs,
Paul.
Great news that A will be there soon!
I'm not as far along in my personal transformation as you are, having only started being "Indy" about a year ago. It seems that it's a bit inevitable that one would develop an alter ego by participating in a non-mainstream community, usually somewhat anonymously. I go back and forth between thinking that "indy" is just a role I play, an alter ego whose life is much more interesting than mine, and feeling completely liberated in a way that extends beyond sexual issues. I've talked to a number of people who have felt that coming out as a spanko has made it easier for them to make career changes or to take similar chances in major life choices.
I'd be curious to know what others think.
Have fun with A!!!!
Indy
Yep, A. is here -- barely. He got quite a grilling from Customs because he's been visiting so much, but he's here.
Paul -- It's true, we all make changes throughout our lives. And I guess I'm curious how the change to "out" spanko has been for others. For the most part, it's definitely been a liberating, empowering experience for me. But there is some loss too. My life now is more interesting to people who read this blog than my old life, but my old life was interesting to a whole different crowd. And to me as well on some level.
Indy -- Yeah that experience of not knowing where my spanko persona -- "Natty" -- ends and me -- Michelle -- begins or if they are truly different or simply parts of the same me. I think sometimes that perhaps I just pushed aside the "Jesus Nerd" me (as A. so endearingly refers to it) to embrace the kinky me. But both make up the whole me.
I realized yesterday that what I'm really struggling with is that if my 16 year old self knew that this is how I was going to turn out, she'd be horrified. And not just about the sex, but also the being sick and on welfare and not able to have kids, etc. So I think a lot of it is just confronting another layer of loss.
Thanks both for your comments!
YAY!! A is there as I type! I'm glad you've got him with you!
I realized yesterday that what I'm really struggling with is that if my 16 year old self knew that this is how I was going to turn out, she'd be horrified. And not just about the sex, but also the being sick and on welfare and not able to have kids, etc. So I think a lot of it is just confronting another layer of loss.
Thanks for a thought-provoking post (as usual!). I've been thinking about a lot of the same things, but in a somewhat different direction. 10 years ago, I was a Lesbian Avenger, living in a communal household, working at a domestic violence shelter, training to teach self-defense, and just beginning my struggle with fibromyalgia.
I fully expected that, ten years from then, I'd either be well on my way to having a PhD, or I'd have made a solid place for myself in the activist community. I thought I would have children, and a job. And it's hard that I am trying to adjust to the idea that my mental and physical health problems are long-term. Just... hard.
It would take going back more than 20 years to find a point where my former self would be surprised about where I wound up sexually or religiously. I might not have had the vocabulary to describe what I felt, but I was more or less aware it was there (well, ok, there was heavy denial about being a lesbian, because at the time I thought that meant I actively disliked men, which I never did; as soon as I realized it was about attraction to women... I knew what was going on.)
But surprise at the fact that I'm applying for disability, and seem (cross fingers!) likely to get it on the first try? Surprise that I'm not able to work, that my life is far less collective than I'd intended, that I'm not engaged in an activist community? Yeah, there's a lot of that. And it's really sad. I have adjusted pretty well to the changes I've made by choice, but the ones that have come without me wanting them... those are hard. So, yeah, it's about dealing with that layer of loss.
For us, we had lots of ideas and fantasies. Mostly kept them in check... for lots of different reasons. A biggie though was, 'what might people think?'
More or less decided it was best to put things off until we were in a better spot.
Then some major health issues came up... and we realized that there wasn't any promise of 'more time.'
So, we took the plunge and decided to try the things we'd thought about. We liked most of them too, so have continued.
It was very much a thought out decision though. Didn't drift into a more open lifestyle.
And you know what... lol... no one really cares either. Those that know give a whatever shrug. They are busy with their own thing. We worried about something that didn't turn out to be even a small issue.
:)
Todd & Suzy
I enjoyed reading your posst
Post a Comment