I figured out why I was so desperate for a spanking last week and why it went into remission this weekend and why it's been back in full force this week.
The last few weeks I've been doing some emotional house cleaning of sorts. Lots of old emotions that haven't been dealt with, etc. Many of them, as regular readers of this blog might imagine, have to do with trauma and loss from my childhood, or lack of one.
Last week I had this desperate need to be a little girl. And, well, when you're bare bottom over someone's lap with your legs dangling down the side, you certainly feel like a little girl. But on Saturday I finally figured out enough html and how the Blogger template worked to be able to add links to this blog, as well as another blog I write for. I could zone out on all the little girl feelings and just stay in my brain.
It finally occurred to me tonight that in order to reach a point where I can actually feel those really intense emotions, I have to sort of regress back into being a child. I wanted a spanking because it would be a way of feeling childlike without actually having to feel those extremely unpleasant emotions. Which, of course, would not be a good thing as I have to get them all out. Clean them from my system.
It also occurred to me that my spanking kink is not really about being taken in hand but rather about being taken care of.
Friday, March 11, 2005
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4 comments:
Oooh, very interesting post Natty. What a wonderful and smart connection to have made. I hope you get the emotional pain scrubbed and cleaned away quickly. Though, of course, so often there are layers. Still, it's always good to get the "house clean" as you say.
The last distinction you make is really a poweful one. The two are connected for me. But indeed taken care of more than taken in hand is where it's at for me. But then, be taken in hand is part of being taken care of (for me). But only part.
Hugs and I hope the sun shines brightly this weekend through your cleaner windows. ;)
Absolutely wonderful post! I'm so glad that you're able to be self-reflexive and consider your emotional needs (without judging them or yourself -- which is what we've been taught to do).
And thank you for sharing them with the rest of us-- who are more than likely sorting through out own emotional things.
Wow, actually surprised to get any comments on this post. LOL -- figured it would scare everyone off with that title. Probably just scared away the guys looking for porn. ;)
The sun is shining brightly here in Portland; I think we've switch weather systems with S. California. On the interior it's more cloudy, but I have a good support network, as well as have learned some mindfulness skills that allow me to look at things without judging them. And for you all, it means I'll probably be doing a hell of a lot of writing. LOL -- I joked with my boyfriend that I reach that point where I sorta vomit it all out through writing.
Oh, yes, Claire...that whole thesis thing...um, yeah, going to have to actually get back to that one of these days...hmm...actually probably next week as it's the end of the term and I'll have to give my advisor *something*.
It also occurred to me that my spanking kink is not really about being taken in hand but rather about being taken care of.
While not universal, this is a very common emotion. The releasing of responsibility is a large part of the submissive personality from what I've seen.
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