Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Still no spanking mojo

Well, I didn't want the month to go by without posting something.

My health is a little bit better. Under the care of the urogynecologists up at Oregon Health Science University, I'm sans UTI for the moment, most likely because they are keeping me on antibiotics indefinitely. Aside from the persistent yeast infections that aggravate my pelvic pain (which all the yogurt, probiotics, garlic supplements, aloe vera juice, caprylic acid, Shen Bai wash, elimination of sugar and yeast, and just about any other home remedy you can think of have not eliminated), my pain level has dropped back down to the point where my narcotic use this month has been about half of what it was last month.

But there hasn't been much sign of my spanking mojo.

Even now that A. has gone back to the U.K. (we kept joking that it'd come back the minute he left).

Yeah, a lot of it is just pain phobia and lack of any sort of a libido. While the bladder pain is mostly gone, my skin is now having problems with heat (I itch like crazy after a hot bath or doing the dishes or now even turning the heat on). I normally have minor problems with eczema but this seems to be different and any friction aggravates it to no end. I see the doctor on Friday to see what fresh hell this is.

However, the issue has been more emotional. I guess it's just that the idea of being controlled, even just for play, isn't at all appealing. Some of that probably does have to do with the lack of control over my body I've had these last several months, though I haven't had a lot of control over my body for years now. And maybe that's just it. I think that lack of control has accumulated to the point where I just feel like rebelling. Of telling those wanting to control me -- doctors, the Church, society -- to fuck off.

And, well, needless to say, it's seeped into my sexuality for the moment.

Now, I've been fantasizing about being spanked just about every day of my life since I was six or so. And not having those familiar fantasies to lull me to sleep at night has been rather disorienting. But, I know that once the dust settles, I'll be back to my naughty little girl self.

In the meantime, I'm sorta coming in touch with my feminist self. Which doesn't bother A. too much. His only request was, "please don't stop shaving your pussy."

Oh what I do for the Patriarchy... ;)